Hello Siroko,
Welcome back to the board, and request you to stick with the plan. (Stay away from the first killing bet).
I have gone through all this trauma, three times in just 2 years. Feeling shame and guilt. Spoiling myself and my family future. But this time I have came here with Rigid Spirit that I will stay away from the first killing bet.
So, just request “Be Honest with yourself and your loved ones”; everything will be fine soon.