I’m dedicated to writing on this everyday to keep myself accountable. I’m still gamble free but I’m full of anxiety. I feel like I’m having withdrawal symptoms like I did when I used to drink and do drugs. Heart pounding constantly, uncontrollable racing thoughts. The only thing keeping me distracted is that I’m in a 6 week course to finish my 4th year apprenticeship to be ticketed in my trade. I’m one of three women out of 20 students so there’s alot of pressure to do well. I told a friend of mine the truth of how bad things got for me. Shes the wife of my hubbys bestfriend. It felt like I was doing a step 5 without evening meaning to. I’ve done tons of full sets of steps through my other addiction programs so I no what I have to do. I asked my gambling counselor about GA where I live but he said that meetings are very small and little attendance since covid so I hope I can get that support through this forum. It’s weird that I feel so uncomfortable sharing about my gambling addiction with my other support groups. I still feel alot of shame and don’t no how to get people to understand this form of behavior addiction. It’s really hard for the average person to get just how it’s possible to throw money down the drain like it’s nothing especially the amount I lost. I don’t expect others to get it as people don’t tend to understand what they dont no or have experienced themselves. I just saw this qoute that really helped me though. It says ” before you pass judgment on someone that’s self destructing, it’s important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They’re trying to destroy something inside that doesn’t belong.” I don’t think I could find the words to say that any better. I have always described my previous addictions as if I was being wrapped in chains and the better I got the chains released, and my soul was free again. I now see that same occurrence again with myself my souls trapped and it needs to be released from the chains once again.
