Hi Lj
I am looking forward to hearing how your husband got on today, although many gamblers do not want to share at the beginning. The hard truths are difficult for them to process and many prefer to take time to inwardly digest what they have heard. This can be frustrating but is fairly common. I hope the counsellor impressed on him the need for accountability.
I don’t think there is anybody on this site who would not understand your frustration with gambling advertisements. However, in my opinion, they were not the reason your husband gambled after he told you he would quit – he gambled because he felt he needed to, the excuse would probably have come after the gamble along with the regret. A gambler will give a million excuses why he/she gambled and although I am glad that you are seeing his innate goodness, it is important to be careful with sympathy.
A coping mechanism that you may find useful and which many Friends and Family have found helpful, is to imagine your husband’s addiction is a ravenous, slavering beast in the corner of the room. Your husband is controlled by that beast but you are not. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it the beast will be quiet but it never sleeps.
Never forget that although your husband is controlled by addiction, you do not have to be. When you threaten the addiction beast, it can come between you and control the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats, manipulation and false promises but you are not and nor should you have to be.
The addiction beast speaks with lies and deceit and it may seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak it can distort your words. Instead of hearing that you love him or that you want to help him, the beast is telling him that you must be lying because surely, you cannot love someone so unworthy and unlovable as him. The addiction to gamble only offers failure and negativity to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable energy ‘wanting’ to believe that the gambler they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to try and not believe too early because in doing so you can become receptive to manipulation. If you can stand back and just listen to what your husband is saying without necessarily believing, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction beast has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
If your husband accepts treatment then everything that you do now towards keeping yourself healthy will give him the support he will need. If you are in control of your life then he need not feel guilt, which will not help him.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship.
Speak soon
Velvet
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