Hi lj50
I’m so pleased that you found us – I know how awful it is to be in such a terrible position with nobody to talk to.
I appreciate all of your words but I hope you will feel less humiliated when we have talked more because there is nothing for you to be ashamed about. You did not ask for nor did you want this experience but there was nothing that you could have done or said that would probably have made any difference. You cannot save your husband, only he can do that. If he accepts that he has a serious problem and seeks the right help, he can turn his life around – I know because I have seen it and heard it many times.
I cannot tell you that if you do a, b, or c then things will change but hopefully, by giving you knowledge of the addiction to gamble it will enable you to make informed decisions that are right for you. At the moment you are on the back foot and feeling out of control – it is important that you know that you can take control of your own life again.
Your husband did not deliberately do this to you and his family lj. Probably a long time ago he placed a bet, as millions do every day, without any harm coming to them. Your husband was not to know that an addiction to gamble was to be his lot until it was too late. I doubt that he is the man he would like to be, the man you want him to be. He probably feels alone, frightened and misunderstood; he probably has little or no self-respect or self-confidence; he will not know which way to turn because all his addiction befuddled mind tells him to do, is to gamble more, that only in gambling will he find his answer. The addiction to gamble is not about money, the only thing that matters is the gamble.
I want to hear that your husband is getting treatment, not talking about it; words and promises are meaningless from a gambler. I appreciate how degraded you feel getting physical support from you brother-in-law but please do not turn support away. Is your brother-in-law willing to learn about addiction and how to cope, will he help you to direct your husband to the right support? This site offers tremendous support to gamblers and there are dedicated addiction counsellors and therapist, GA and rehabs. We also have an excellent Helpline here which is available for you and/or your husband – it is one to one and private; your husband will be understood and supported, as will you. It is important that your brother-in-law knows that giving money to his brother is enabling his addiction, feeding it will only make it worse – it’s the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. Plain food on the table is not enabling – cash is.
It is a lot to take in and I do want to get a reply to you quickly so that you know you are being heard. I appreciate that the forum is very quiet at the moment, Covid and Christmas are filling the thoughts of most people.
This might not seem much of an answer to you lj but I promise you it can make a tremendous difference and whatever your outcome, it will help you cope in the future. I want to you put yourself first, look after your children and have fun with them, see friends and get support even if they don’t understand and keep posting. Maybe you could join a Friends and Family group so that we can ‘talk’ in real time – the ability to ask questions and get instant replies has been beneficial to so many. Nothing said in a group appears on the forum, it is safe and private.
No amount of worry, lost sleep, threats with change anything. If you lose your health due to worry then you will not be able to help yourself or your children or your husband.
There is a lot more I could say but for now I will send this and await your reply
I will walk with you for as long as you want me to. Please keep posting.
Velvet
