Hi CB
The forum is so quiet but I have looked at your post every day and rejoiced in your words – “Putting myself first and learning to care and love me is my priority.”
It takes time to figure out all the stuff that has held us back but every lightbulb moment is a moment to savour.
I found that keeping a strictly private journal helped me. I used to bash away on my computer every night, committing every angry, sad, destructive, guilty, confused, memory to paper. I kept the pages in a file knowing that it must never be read by anybody else but me. My grammar was appalling (as was my language); the colours changed; there were typos galore; lower case/upper case, nothing mattered apart from getting every horrible detail out of my weary mind. . As each crazy thought poured out of me, I felt relief. I no longer had to keep that particular memory swirling around in my head, clogging my brain, keeping me awake and holding me back – if I wanted to chew it over a million times again, it was there in black and white (or multi-hued) but I never felt the need.
As ‘my’ recovery progressed, I gradually destroyed the pages, burning them one by one, while saying things like ‘I am free of you, you will not hurt me again’. When the last page was gone, I knew that I would never allow the addiction to gamble to hurt my life ever again. Not only that but my thinking on other things that had given me pain and confusion became clearer and I vowed to rid myself of those things too. My self-confidence returned and was stronger than it had ever been, as was my self-esteem.
I only mentioned my concern about co-dependency because I went down that road and it was a dead-end for me, it didn’t take me forward. Your counsellor has the advantage of knowing you better in this regard and that is great.
I hope you will keep posting because I can hear how well you are doing and I want to hear more.
As Ever
Velvet