Hi Thomas
I was smiling from ear to ear when I read you have been gamble-free for 5 years. Whatever happens, that 5 years is the most important thing for you to protect, so regardless of what you decide to do, please look after yourself first. It isn’t selfish to put yourself first – if you are pulled down with the problems of others then you will not be able to help anybody.
I cannot tell you what to do but I do know that being unaware of a loved one’s gambling and possible addiction is bad for both parties.
You haven’t replied to the question about the possibility of sharing your concern with your wife and it might be that this is a step too far for you. I know that many people want to leave the subject of gambling far behind them, when they have moved on and raising the subject can be just too difficult.
If your friend is showing recognisable signs that he is still gambling then, in my opinion, it would be better if your sister-in-law was aware so that she can protect herself and make her own decision about continuing the relationship. If she decides not to continue then that will not be your problem. If your friend is making poor choices with his behaviour but your sister-in-law is unaware, then she cannot make a choice.
You write that your sister-in-law’s family were good to you, so I assume they have a greater understanding than most people of the problem you face. Is there anybody there you could trust and discuss your concern with?
It is a fact that the messenger can get shot but you, more than most, will appreciate that staying silent is probably not an option. Family and friends often talk about walking on eggshells but sadly an active compulsive gambler uses this inability to speak out as a green light to carry on indulging their addiction.
I know the problem you face. I lost count of the times I was told ‘I don’t gamble anymore’ resulting in fear of raising the subject again. However, one day when I took the bull by the horns again, it changed our lives – I have no idea why it was that day and that time. True recoveries do start, as you and I know.
It is a well-known expression here that ‘you cannot kid a kidder’. Nobody understands a gambler better than another gambler and in my view, nobody can support a gambler as well as a gambler who has faced his demons and changed his life.
Maybe you could tell your friend what you have written here – that you value your friendship but you are concerned because you have stood in his shoes and you know the signs. Maybe you could point your friend to the varied support that is available for gamblers. Would he talk to our helpline here which is one-to-one and anonymous or join our gambler group where Charles the facilitator will understand your friend and be a tremendous support to him? If he is not, as he says, gambling then he has nothing to lose but maybe it could open a discussion
I repeat what I said at the beginning, however, look after yourself first and take the greatest care of your precious gamble-free life.
Please keep posting
Velvet