I can relate to your comments about your kids feeling kind of distant and almost like new acquaintances. It really is like getting to know your family all over again in a way. For me there was a lot of awkwardness and resentment that built up over a period of time due to my absence and the stress/pain it caused my wife and kids. The trust was completely broken. I have had my daughter scream she hates me straight to my face on more than one occasion as I was beginning my recovery and yes it hurt very badly. But I had hurt them very badly too, so I really had it coming.
But it has gotten progressively better after a rocky period. It is a wound that takes time to heal. I just need to accept that and make things the best I can from now forward. Making amends is a very important part of our recovery. It hurts as sometimes I felt rejected as I was trying to be good, helpful and loving, but when those times came, I told myself that my actions created this situation in the first place, so I need to accept it and keep trying, day by day to make things right.
The machines are not your friend, but they do help you avoid/postpone the hard work that is necessary to rebuild relationships. You will find that putting that hard work in will pay great dividends in increasing your own genuine happiness in the long run. Gambling happiness (a win) is fake, is temporary, and will lead to greater unhappiness 100% of the time.
It sounds like you are feeling a lot of pain and anxiety at this time, and I hope you can take some small solace in the idea that it will get better if you keep working at it. Take care.