It’s so sad to be at square once again. This outcome was so obvious since I started going to the casino with my colleague from work, but still, it’s so easy to think “it will be different this time”.
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nWe’ve been offered parking, free drinks, treated by name at the table (this one was hilarious). I knew these were all big red flags, I knew how it was going to end. And now I feel sorry for my mate as well, who is as addicted as I am and maybe was not like that before he met me.
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nThe biggest problem this time was not going to the casino with him (although I’ve been going almost every day the last month), but how it triggered me to play online, where I have absolutely no limits. One night I got home drunk and lifted the self-exclusion for online casinos. The following weeks I thought maybe it would be best to do something about it and not let the self-exclusion be lifted, but the days passed and 2 days ago I got emails from the online casinos saying “your self-exclusion has been lifted”, I even got texts from casinos offering me free spins, it’s insane how fast they work! Now, just two days after, I blew all the money I managed to save these months (some of it won at the casino with my mate) and basically I will have to spend my vacations from work at home, not having money to do anything.
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nI almost missed the feeling of hopelessness after losing it all. We enter survival mode, we think of how we will get money. And then the feeling of “I deserve this”. I haven’t felt like this in months but sadly I feel it won’t be the last time.
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nI’m on vacation from work the following weeks and I’ll stay at my parents. I filled the self-exclusion for online casinos and there’s no casino nearby, so I guess I’ll be safe (and I don’t have money to gamble anyway, but an addict always gets money to feed his addiction). I’ll take this time to read some books, I’m learning a new language and I’ll focus on the things you can do for free.
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nToday is day 1 and I feel sad, lonely, disconnected from everyone around me, but hoping for a brighter future.
