I’m trying to remain optimistic. Not that he won’t gamble again, but that I’ll be able to cope with it when he does. I’m really starting to understand this as a full and proper disease, not just a bad habit.
We watched a really good documentary, I highly recommend it. It’s actually an episode of the Real Hustler series, where the guy tries to understand what separates him (a career poker player and hustler) from his dad (a gambling addict). Along the way, he visits a neuroscientist who studies compulsive gambling. They scan his brain while he plays VLTs, and the brain of a confirmed gambling addict, and shows the exact difference. This is the interesting part: it turns out gamblers aren’t addicted to the win (which we know) or even the bet (which lots of people here say). It turns out what they’re actually addicted to, the thing that really excites them, is the near-misses… A non-CG gets excited about the wins and disappointed by the losses, even the near ones. But the CG brain doesn’t even notice the wins at all, but lights up like fireworks when they ALMOST win.
For that to be such a clear physiological difference, it has to be genetic, and therefor it has to have offered some kind of evolutionary advantage. I love thinking about this stuff, because it often helps my brain accept things that suck, because biology is messy and haphazard, and I’m cool with that. So near misses… I can see that… Hunting is as much chance as skill. If you NEARLY hit a deer, that’s a really good sign that your skill is pretty good and you just need another chance. The hunter who gets excited and encouraged by near misses is far more likely to try again than the one who gets discouraged. The hunter who tries again is more likely to succeed, and eat dinner, and live another day to pass on his genes. The problem with VLT’s, of course, is that the element of skill is completely removed. Near misses no longer indicate that you’re becoming a better hunter, and a few more tries you might get your catch.
It also explains, to me at least, why my husband is so hooked on that Bejewelled game. When he beats a few levels in a row with 3 stars each, he gets bored. What is it that really sucks him in? Getting 2 stars 57 times in a row. In other words, the near-miss. He just HAS to get that third star. He does Google Play surveys to earn credit which he spends on extra lives for the game so he can get his 3 stars for every level. Myself, when I was playing that super cute “Crunch Time” game (Simon’s Cat), I started out trying to get 3 stars until the levels got hard, then I gave up and just tried to finish as many levels as I could, then I got bored again and quit playing all together.
I also went to a Gam-Anon meeting last week. It was pretty good I guess. I did like talking to other people who’d gone through this, but it was rather disheartening to hear from the two women who’d been coming to that meeting every week for 20+ years and their husbands were still gambling. One of them started coming because her husband told her about the meetings. He’d heard from others at GA that when their wives started attending Gam-Anon, they stopped nagging so much. So this guy got his wife to go to Gam-Anon… and then quit going to GA. *sigh* She still goes obviously, because it really helps her, but that’s gotta be pretty frustrating.
What I told my CG is this: I understand this is an illness, just like how my mom has bi-polar. BUT, just like I expect my mom to get treatment (continue seeing her psychiatrist, taking her medication, and doing the self-care required of her illness), I expect that of him as well. And so far he is. He met in person with a gambling addictions counsellor provided through the health region, and they’re going to meet by phone regularly since he works on the road and can’t make it in every week. So that’s a good start, and we’ll take it from there.
One thing that came up a lot at the Gam-Anon meeting was putting titles in the non-CG’s name. They explained that because we’re a communal property jurisdiction, they still have a right to half the property in the case of divorce or anything, but it prevents creditors from putting leans against the property in the event that the gambler accrues debt they can’t pay off. I mentioned it to my CG but he freaked out and swore he would never put a lean againt the house, but I don’t think he understands that he wouldn’t have a choice, they would just do it. I’m going to talk to him about that again, specifically to say that if he ever goes behind my back and gets credit again, THEN I’d want to put the properties in my name so they can’t take them. As in, I’m not going to push for it right now, but I want him to know that’s my plan if he decides to do something stupid again like getting credit behind my back.