Want to know the stupidest, most ironic thing?
The man has a frickin’ certificate in addictions counselling. Like seriously.
He had a drinking problem in his youth and a lot of issues from growing up that he knew he needed to deal with, so he’d signed up for this live-in addictions counselling certification program that also puts the students THROUGH addictions counselling, so they know what their clients are going through, and so they deal with their own issues first rather than projecting them on clients later. It’s a pretty brilliant program in theory, and it started him well on the path to self-growth.
But clearly the message got dropped somewhere. He’s always said he has to be careful with drinking, and he keeps a pretty close eye on his mood when he’s wanting to drink, and doesn’t drink if he feels something emotional going on. And he controlled his drinking pretty well for years, although recently I think it’s gotten bad again. That whole incident with the growler, together with his general reluctance to give it up, is telling. But that’s why he thought he could control his gambling, because he was controlling his drinking. I might have clued in to extent of the gambling problem then, when I pointed out that first he’d quit drinking for a few years and get therapy before he’d been able to do it under control, and suggested maybe he needed to quit gambling for a few years and get therapy before the same can be true.
Right now, I’m thinking a zero-tolerance policy on both is probably in order. The way I see it, the logic is simple enough: either you can give something up or you can’t. If you can, and the thing is hurting someone you love, then why keep doing it? If you can’t, then you’re addicted. If you’re an addict, then you’re either active or in recovery.
Besides, alcohol is frickin’ expensive and he’s got a lot of gambling debt to pay back to the household savings. He especially loves the craft beers with dinner at fancy hipster joints, and never less than two with a meal, three if I got a drink, I guess because then it’s encouragement.
Sometimes he’d drive home drunk too. I can’t believe that didn’t bother me more! Wow, so so much is becoming clear now. It’s sobering on a whole new level.
I need to quit “smoking” too. I have my own set of problem behaviours that I won’t go into here. But as stupid as it sounds, I guess part of me felt a bit of “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” with it. Plus both my parents are chronic users, so it’s always around. I’m not remotely prepared to cut off my relationships with my parents over it.
I wish we could get away from our current lifestyle. We went to Thailand last winter and we’ve been dreaming of retiring there ever since. We could go there and just do yoga and meditate all the time, get massages and go hiking. But running away won’t solve anything.