Hi Lilly,
Thanks for last night’s prompt reply – full of great advice and support for me to mull over this morning.
Yes – but in such a circumstance, one has to obtain factual evidence. I couldn’t just keep going on the fact he may be down the betting shop – it’s near enough impossible to just drive 4 miles down the road and arrive the exact time he is betting. But on the other hand it’s a great app for someone who feels their partner is doing the dirty on them!
Wow – you hung in there then; 30 years together is something. You must love each other a lot too. Do you have kids?
Thankfully my emotions, fears and uncertainties aren’t as heightened as the last time I dealt with this situation. I was a lot younger then and the first speed bump is the biggest as you are in shock that your partner would do such a thing – over time I have grown up (my job has helped wizen me up I think, managing staff). But maybe my attitude shows I didn’t expect anything less than this; maybe deep down I knew it was coming again, it was just me being able to sweep it under the rug because I am to an extent (and in a health way I guess) blinded by our love. He’s not abusive – S would hate to hurt anyone’s feelings. S hasn’t got an opinion even on the darkest of humans. So I know there is a lot of good in him, more than most but we/he need to see a professional to help enable that good to be channeled effectively. However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel betrayed.
Luckily my Mum’s bought me up to be quite an open individual and I am not ashamed to discuss my fella’s problem and the problem we/I am in. On the other hand, he doesn’t discuss it with his friends. Our friends are totally separate and we haven’t grown up in the same area so it doesn’t matter be venting to mine. I only have about 3 I can rely on but I have a lot at work (work in the NHS which helps) that are there to lend an ear. My Boss has been accommodating and told me if I need to just go home then I am to go – but I said, it’s not like I need to go home and lick any wounds. I am much better mentally, placed here during my weekdays!
No, judgment doesn’t matter to me. My mum stayed with my Dad for another 6 years (out of 20) following her finding out he had a weed addiction. My Mum says me telling this all to her brings back memories of how Dad was and destroyed their marriage (it was both sides though) (I don’t know where he is now he did a runner after the divorce with another woman) and says she doesn’t want me to be having a happily-ever-after to someone with Dad’s addiction traits
I am not one to give a cr@p about how the rest of the world sees me… whether I was lying in a gutter or walking into a betting shop and confronting him.
Well – I “caved” this morning and dropped him a phone call. I hadn’t heard and to be honest, this was another reason to feel let down. I thought he would’ve contacted me after 48 hours. A tad immature. Probably licking his wounds trying to make me feel as if I am to one needing to be punished for putting the app on his phone! Not having it. When he answered oh boy he felt sorry for himself but I remained stern – ‘are you calm enough to have a productive conversation with me tonight – we both need to decide where our paths are heading now,’ ‘yes I will be over for 7PM’ so with that I switched it up ‘make it 8PM, I have a gym class I’d like to attend. See you later.’
I think tonight instead of tackling it head on regardless of how calm i remain – I think I want to head down the more ‘let’s explore the route of relationship counseling…’ I feel that would be more compromising and a solution for the both of us (less blame pushed on him) as if I say ‘you need therapy, you need some help for your addiction etc.’ I’ll probably get the same body language as the first time round and it’ll end up going nowhere. And then if he can’t even compromise with me (7 weeks, once a week, we are to pay half the session each) then I will ask him gently to leave my apartment to go and allow us both to think whether this is relationship is really for the both of us as I can’t wait around forever.
So if we were to “get better” together and ride off into the sunset, I would like to do it knowing this addiction 110% squished before I commit to marriage, babies, bills and a mortgage. It seems for a lot of people on this site it’s just been a bit too late.
I think my reasons are firm enough grounds to say, fine ciao you can’t commit then neither can I – I don’t want to jeopardize my credit rating, the chance of having a bailiff here, your company folding and forever wondering why you aren’t home the time you promised me you would be.
No – not brutal just constructive. I am an honest and frank person and I enjoy when I receive the same from others.
Thanks again for reading and replying – lets see what tonight brings. I could do with treating myself to a nice glass of red though beforehand…! x