What do you think you would have done if during this latest gambling bout you had actually got ahead, as you put it, got a little bit extra for the rest of the month?
I’ll consider this question a little later. But I want you to know I identify with your sense of isolation and loneliness and now of despair and perhaps a sense that your head might explode. I know exactly where you are because my gambling took me exactly there too. You need to understand you are not alone and help might be nearer than you think.
You’ve been brave enough to describe your circumstances candidly here. You’ll hopefully discover that meeting other people like you and me in real time, in the flesh so to speak, is the next step and will help you hugely in stopping and in staying stopped. I urge you to try to get a meeting of GA or any of the other self help groups that you can get to.
One of the things that really helped me at my first meeting was listening to others talking about their gambling and realizing that I was not alone and that many others were facing the kind of insanity that gambling was causing me; I also learned that a lot of these people had stopped gambling completely and were putting their lives back together again.
So what happened when I gambled and got ahead? Did I take my winnings and pay off bills and credit cards? Nope. At best I went on alcohol and drug fueled binges when I had those winning days but usually what happened was this. I tried to win some more, get more ahead. And ultimately I got in deeper and deeper and lost more and more. After the binges I was soon back in action losing what remained of my winnings and then losing more and more. A vicious circle.
Let me assure you of one thing. You will do the same thing with your next pay check unless you get your finger out. If you carry on you will consider more and more desperate things like more loans and might even consider thieving if you haven’t done so already. It is sadly a downward spirral.
Finally what you describe is not a financial problem. Sure, gambling leaves you skint but whatever damage you have done financially can probably be put right in time. The solution is to stop gambling and to learn how to live one day at a time free of gambling.
Good luck and please be brave.