You’ve found this site and written this journal because you want to make a change and make improvements. That is a great beginning!
I’m no expert, I’ve only been gambling free for six days. What I can say though is that you have to take it day by day. I imagine the first step is to find somewhere to live and hopefully a job too. Will that be possible?
I know exactly what you mean when you say there’s not a problem when playing, only when you look up from the screen and all your money is gone. I felt exactly the same. (I’m trying to speak in past tense because I refuse to gamble any more and cause myself any more pain.) I’d be oblivious to the problems I was causing while playing and then feel unbelievably broken when I stopped to see £0 in my account.
Have you self excluded and put blocks up anywhere possible?
Once you’ve done this try and find the excitement in recovery instead of gambling. After a few days of no gambling my bank account is no longer just a list of deposits I’ve made to a casino. It’s a small step but it feels incredible.