Now I expand on these feelings … I’ve shifted and moved myself into productive activities and what do I feel? Excitement! I’m really excited and feeling that feeling bright and pulsing through me. Wow!
The feeling itself is great — what’s not great? Is that I remember how often in the past it’s feeling so excited like this that happens right before suddenly shifting my focus AWAY from the focused engagement with what felt good (healthy activities) and onto an inclination to bounce around distracted or place a bet in the markets.
I feel these positive emotions are as much an intensity and part of me as the negative … and what’s interesting is just as I’m starting to feel them brighter and warmer something in me wants to “redirect” or shift away from what’s producing them onto something dumb like betting big in the markets …
I’m feeling excited happy and proud of myself in this moment — and when i feel a certain amount of it something “shifts” and suddenly I wanna do something that I know will lead to pain/sadness …
I remember as a kid pushing happier feelings away … like not trusting them in a sense … not trusting my own deeper happiness and feeling like “missing” the “sobering” sad feelings (even though there was no need for me to pursue them because there was plenty of adversity that generated them) …
It’s like my own behavior wants to trip itself up in a loop — “feel sad? go bet to ‘feel better’ than feel worse after”
“feel happy? go put a bet on to ‘humble’ that happiness to who you ‘really’ are”
So it’s not just negative emotions that generate temptation to place bets or do something that is energetically destructive … it’s positive ones as well… the positive feelings start to swell and then the focus suddenly shifts from the continuity of what is genuine and good/producing them into something rotten that eats them up (usually trading).
Am I guilty about feeling happy and enjoying myself in these activities that are actually healthy? Am I so guilty and feel so “wrong” for feeling happy like this that i have to re-route it to something that takes it away when it reaches a certain point?
When i reach deeper into my productive passions, i feel happier and happier … I’m noticing that my brain/mind takes that happiness as a cue to “get out” of my activities that are producing it in the first place …
Tonight I’m going to focus on letting those feelings grow and be a cue to “keep doing” the right things and stay away from what hurts me …