Hi I did it, Thank you for your kind words,. It really helps me.
I feel that sometime life can be a very unforgiving teacher, if I do not let go of some unwanted character and personality, they will come back to haunt me, it will continue to bring misery, unhappiness and struggle into my life.
They must have been something important and have mean something to their recovery when these elderly friends shared them with me. Someone have planted the seed inside me 14 years ago when I first heard these words but I only start to work on them seriously 14 years later.
One reason was the new recovery friend that I have met, I was worried and concern that they will fall into the trap if I did not warn them about it.
14 years later, when I look at all the opposite words of grandiosity, I unearth a treasure of all the answer that I was looking, they are all the spiritual qualities that can help me progress in recovery and become a better person.
Grandiosity is so deep rooted in me that I cannot feel vulnerable when it was a very dangerous and risky, not recommended situation, because I feel that I have what it takes when I do not have it.
I still feel that I am good at what I was doing when I am not because I have lost all control of myself before and it has send me to rock bottom many times.
I do not believe that I will lose everything this time but it has happen many times;
I was gambling more often. I do not believe this can happen. I do not believe that I cannot stop gambling totally.
I was gambling bigger amount of money, I do not believe that this will happen. I do not believe that I can lose all my self control.
I cannot believe that I can be so careless, foolish, impatient, irresponsible, so blind and fearless, so dangerous in an all or nothing bet.
I was gambling more time and more money. My action show that it was ok and alright for “me”. I really feel that it was not advisable for any recovering person including myself to do it. My feeling and action is not in line.
Something is wrong with me, do I think I am different from the rest ?
When I lose my vulerability in these situations, the ending is alway the same and a very sad one. When I do not feel fearful and scare, I will take risk and do dangerous thing.
When I feel invinsible, knowledgeable and experience, I will give myself permission to do things that a normal person will not even think or dare to do.
I think that I can handle it when I cannot.
I think that I can handle it when others cannot if everything go wrong and do not go according to plan