This is what gambling addiction can do to me. I need the money now to gamble. I want to win back my money now. I cannot wait another day, I cannot postpone this. I was very impatient and anxious to gamble now. I could not stop gambling and become very compulsive, I keep gambling and gambling all the way, I did not want to walk away.
I cannot think properly and become very impulsive; I want it now; I want it quick ; I want it today; I want it immediately and become very very careless, I cannot think before I do it…slowly and carefully.
There are very heavy consequences and price to pay for this action and I do not care anymore. I have become reckless and foolish, I want high risk gamble, those all or nothing gamble, make or break gamble.
I can walk away from the gamble, I can postpone the gamble, I can stop the gamble but I did not do it. I allow the gambling to happen.
In my heart, I do care about not doing wrong and harm to self and others but many times when the disease of addiction takes over me and hijack my brain. The thinking and feeling is the same at that critical moments, I do not care anymore, I want to “just do it”.
1. I will use money mean for feeding or providing the family and paying the bill
2. I will do crazy sum of cash advance withdrawal from my credit card in the shortest time.
3. I will steal money and use money that do not belong to me.
4. I will tell lies and cheat to borrow money.
5. I will inconvenient myself to get to the money; regardless of the distance.
6. Gambling take up so much time, I have no time for my lover and I cannot focus on work and risk losing my lover and job.
It is doing me and people around me harm but I could not stop myself. I just want to continue gambling.
This is all darkness; it was very different from the beginning days when I was less impulsive; I can chose to stay stop and give up the gamble; I can chose to walk away and do other things; I can chose to postpone the gamble; I can chose to place the smallest bet.
The addiction have hijack and taken over the brain and causing all these self destructive and insane actions.
Everything will stop, they will surely stop, if it is not today, that day will come after I have lost my last dollar. When that day arrive, you can actually feel a strange good feeling, it was a relief and calm because there is no more struggle.
Note:
I have won more than 12000 dollars over 3 weeks with my last salary and paid all my credit card debt and misc bills.
My brain was hijack last night. I went into full blown relapse,I became very impulsive and compulsive. I lost the 1100 on me and withdraw cash advance of 2200 from one credit card and 2000 from the other. This is not normal,I never needed so much money to gamble in the last 3 weeks.
I lost everything and needed somemore money to gamble somemore. This felt very urgent like an emergency! When did wanting to gamble become an emergency but it has happen to me many times when I want to act out my addiction.
I cannot withdraw money from both credit cards. The credit limit for one card have been lower from 7200 to 2200, despite chasing them, they cannot grant me a credit limit increase on the spot, it takes days to process. I am laughing thinking about it now. The other credit card was swallow up by the ATM and showing machine error. Of cos I was disappointed and angry, I tried to find ways to get money to gamble and called them, again they will take days to give me a new replacement card.
I woke up today mindful that the ending was still the same, I did not escape the consequences with everything I know.
Looking back, last night was one of those night that threaten to wipeout everything I have recovered. Let this be a lesson to me, if I do not build a rock solid house recovery, this distructive force will visit me again just like those seasonal typhoon or hurricane winds and try to take everything away that we have rebuild.
I was mindful and grateful that I could have lost another 10,000 if I have hold on to the cash and not use it to pay my credit card and bank loans.
It was not my decision to lower the credit card limit and definitely a co incident that my credit card got swallow up by the ATM machine at the critical moment. I have check and there was no machine error on the screen before I push in my card. I could be wipeout of any last dollar that I can lay my hand on last night if I was not save by a power greater than me.
This is as honest as I can get in my journal. I really never think that this can happen again but it did all the times.
My imperfect journey here continue till my last breathe.