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Hi…
Hmmm, where to start? I’m a compulsive loser/ gambler who’s recently hit rock bottom (or at least I hope it’s RB).
Gambled away 20K in savings and then a further 35K in loans. All in a mad couple of weeks. Reached my lowest point and had to come clean to those closest to me. That was hard. Harder than losing for sure.
My Girlfriend has been amazing. She’s stuck by me and has helped put barriers/ blocks in place. I’ve self excluded and I’m currently seeing an addiction Counsellor.
I’ve really let people down. In a big way and that’s the hardest thing. Obviously, the debt hanging over me is a huge weight and something I think about almost hourly. I know within a few of years, with my current salary, I should (hopefully) be able to pay a big chunk of it off and I’m committed to doing that. Committed to being a better person. Making better decisions and not being a hostage to this evil parasite of an addiction.
Of course, these are just words. Words are easy. Action is harder. So I need to plan better this time. I’ve been reading a few of your journals and I really can relate to a lot of what you say. You‘ve made sense of the many quirks of this addiction and how your brain tricks you. I’m glad I’m getting this knowledge now. Forewarned is forearmed as they say. I think keeping a journal will help me along with the other routines I have (ticking the calendar daily being one of them).
As it stands I’m on Day 21. I mention this just so you know where I am in my recovery, I don’t necessarily say it for praise. I don’t feel I warrant that just yet.
Anyway, feel free to ask me anything you want and I wish all of you the very best in your own recovery.
Chris
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This is the original poster (Chris). I have created another account with a new Username. I prefer this alias anyway
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Thanks, Harry. I’ll look to check those Groups out when I’m on early shifts.
I haven’t gambled today. And I haven’t even had the urge. So, today should be a good day, right? I’ve found things really hard. It’s probably because I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands (rota day) and it’s given me chance to reflect on my actions/ mistakes from the past 6 weeks.
I’ve tried to remain positive. Especially with my Partner and family, but inside it’s not so easy. I know in time, things will get better. I just struggle with having the patience in getting through this period with this cloud hanging over me. A cloud of guilt, regret, shame, worry, pessimism.
I have to be careful and not complacent. Addiction can feed off a lot of those feelings. But I don’t feel like gambling. I’m not sure I have it in me to go through it all again. The deceit. The worry. The possibility of winning and what that will eventually lead to. No, I haven’t got the stomach for it.
I’m not one for looking to the future, but I can’t wait for this year to end. I’ve truly screwed things up this year. Just get through these next 5 weeks and things will be better. Counselling on Wednesday to look forward to.
Anyway, I’m rambling a little so this is where I sign off.
Chris
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