I feel like I have been controlled by that beast all this time too, having to keep it all a secret from the rest of my family and dealing with it on my own the past 6 years I now realise has really made me the way I am, always feeling confused and that I can never ask for help from anyone else without worrying if I might bring up his addiction accidentally.
I feel angry and let down by how he has been as a parent to me, I know he didn’t ask for his addiction but he has just totally let it take over him and just forgot about me and my two brothers, hes become almost a stranger to us. I see now that he has not asked for any money only because I have been unemployed the last 5 months, but he has still left me to pay off his loan and all he says is ‘sorry nothing I can do’. It’s not good enough and I know I need to speak up to my mother which will then hopefully lead to much needed help from her and other parts of my family.
I have always just been used to covering for my dad and he knows that, he has used me for my money and to keep it a secret which has lead to me forgetting about myself, time to change that and am looking forward to going to my first counselling session tomorrow which will help me see and understand what is going on and how I can make things better for myself.