Hi Lost
Serious reflection is fine but ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ get in the way of recovery –put your recovery first because you are important.
I understand what you have been through but I also understand that those who have not been through it struggle to understand. There is no need here to hide anything here, the mental abuse; the ups and downs are all recognized.
I don’t agree that it is in your ex’s DNA, I believe he has the capability to stop gambling if and when he accepts his addiction – although I agree it appears that he is not prepared to do anything about it at the moment.
Everything you said to him in 2013 was right but I am sorry to say his reaction was not uncommon – he chose to blame you rather than accept he had a problem. In blaming you he was avoiding taking responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour.
In answer to your question – yes there is a rock bottom – it is a mental state and nobody can determine when it will occur – enablement obviously puts the moment off indefinitely and that is probably what you are seeing now. You have refused to enable your ex which is the best thing and the most loving thing you can do for him, so well done. By refusing to enable him you have allowed him to fall and I know how painful and difficult this is.
Sadly the threats of suicide are fairly common and I hope that by distancing yourself from your ex such threats will lessen. Maybe you could write down some headings of what you are prepared to say and what you are not prepared to say when your ex calls. Keep the notes by the phone and stick to your script – i know it is hard to think when the addiction is shouting at you, throwing confusion and fear into the conversation. If he rages then I suggest you say something like ‘I am going to end this call if you continue to talk like this, call me back when you are ready to talk calmly’ and be prepared to cut the call immediately.
I don’t hear you playing the victim, I hear a person who is trying to make sense of the senseless. Is there anybody in his family you could talk to about them ending their enablement of him? You know they are feeding his addiction but they might not know it.
I have a Friends and Family group Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to communicate in real time.
You have done really well writing this post that I know would have been hard to write. Keep posting and learning about his addiction, knowledge will help you cope. It is OK and right to grieve but it is important to look forward – you and your son deserve a happier life.
I have brought up my thread ‘the F&F Cycle’ for you to read which i hope will help you see that everything you have written in recognised and that you are far from alone.
Speak soon
Velvet
