Soooo, here we are, was she successful? nope.
BUT….
I did something different. I saw that she had pulled some money out of the bank, in our hometown rather than at the ATM at the casino. Now I know that that was done in an attempt to try and prove she wasn’t going to the casino but I knew better. She had sent me a message telling me ahead of time that she was taking out her “spending money” because she didn’t have any cash, but the amount is what struck me. The feeling I have (because with the connection I have with her, I can feel it when she’s going to go).
So here’s what I did differently. When I saw the withdraw happen, I called her. Before she went to the casino. Before I would wait until after or while she was there to try and get in touch with her which only fueled my own anger about the whole thing.
We had a long conversation about the cycles, about what she’s doing to keep this hidden. She basically tells me what I want to hear so that I won’t be mad at her for going, so she tries to make me feel better before it even happens. I know that’s what she’s doing and the thing that that sets up is the non-CG part of the cycle. She says she wants to quit, comes up with all these plans and things to do to keep her from going. Says all the right things to me to make me feel better about it and to I don’t know, maybe try and foster some trust on my part. But the thing of it is, it’s all a charade. I’m not fooled by it, deep down inside she probably knows I’m not fooled by it, and I told her tonight, exactly that. And I even went so far as to tell her the only one she’s REALLY trying to fool is herself because she knows deep down that what she’s doing is wrong. So when she tells me what I want to hear, in an attempt to make me feel better, what she’s really doing is attempting to make herself feel better and to try and hide this within herself and so she does not have to deal with the consequences of her choices.
I’m done with my part of the cycle. When she tells me that she’s not going to the casino but I can already see the behavior starting that happens before she goes to the casino, instead of saying “okay” or “sure” or whatever responses I’ve been giving, my response is going to be “I don’t believe you.” I won’t lie if I do believe her I’ll tell her but if I don’t I’m also not going to hide that away anymore.
I told her tonight as well that it doesn’t matter what I say, think, do or feel. She tried to interrupt me and tell me that it does matter, but I brought it to her attention that she tells me what I want to hear, tells me to help hold her accountable, but then it cycles around to her being mad at me because I do exactly what she tells me to do (hold her accountable) and she feels like I’m controlling her. I said I’m not going to participate in that game anymore. and because it goes in this cycle, what I say doesn’t matter because you’ll just go do what you want anyway. So the next time she tells me what she thinks I want to hear, I’m going to stop her and I’m going to tell her I don’t believe her. Because I sure as heck shouldn’t be working harder at this trust thing than she is.
She’s not ready to quit. She thinks she can manage it, even though over and over again she’s tried different ways to manage it that didn’t succeed. Even tonight I heard “I’m only going to spend $100” but that wasn’t for me, that was for her. Did she spend the $100? Nope, she got more out of the bank.
Anyway, I’m babbling, all I can say is when I read the other day how the CG/Non-CG cycle works, I made the decision that I’m going to break my part of that cycle. I heard once in a Gam Anon meeting that I don’t have to trust her in order to love her.
She thinks we’re measuring progress differently, I had to point out to her that our measurement for progress is the same, it’s the starting point we have a difference about, and since we’re starting from 2 different places the measurement of progress is going to look different. I’m looking at it from Abstinence & Recovery (true recovery as you have said Velvet) and she’s looking at the starting point from Management & Control.
The funny thing is, we both know she can’t manage or control it, but she’s really been fooled into believing she can. And like I said on an earlier comment, I think it goes back to the fact that at one point she could walk into a casino, play for fun for a little while, spend only what she planned on spending, playing only as long as she planned on playing and didn’t have a urge/compulsion to play more. And somewhere along the way that switch was flipped and when that happens you can’t go back. You can never go back to the way it was before, isn’t that what they say in the GA book? That’s the grand illusion and gamblers wreak havoc on their lives because they believe they can gamble like other people even though the proof in their history says otherwise.
Anyway, going to sign off for now. I don’t think my post made a whole lot of sense, but what I can tell you is, I’m going to find a way to break my non-CG cycle. I have to figure out what my part in that cycle is and then find the place where I break it. Cuz I’m done playing my part of the charade. I’m not leaving her or abandoning her but I’m not going to continue with my part of the cycle anymore either.
OAJ