Hi Giorgio.
Your online bookmakers should offer self-exclusion as an option. If you seriously want to quit I would think this would be a great positive step for you to take.
When I was 21 I was in prison for the second time in my life…for committing crimes to fund my gambling addiction, I am 51 now.
I’m sorry to say I still carried on gambling up until I was 50, I also committed more serious crimes and went back to prison another 3 times, I have also been through gambling rehab 3 times, although I only stayed the full term, the last time, in2010.
I understand that “dirty” feeling, I had it for a good few years, but eventually, like all my other emotions and feelings, the gambling swallowed it up. I began to think of myself as evil, I would get more and more callous in the things that I done.
I can honestly say this. my life of crime started off by stealing money from my parents and look where I’ve ended up. I also started concocting stories starting with things like “I need a hundred for a book”. That doesn’t mean that it will happen to you, but it is possible.
That is why I couldn’t agree with you more…you do most certainly need help with this.
For the first time in my life Giorgio I’ve just passed a year without gambling. That is how long it’s taken me to finally stop. (In fact, that’s not strictly true as I put the lottery on three times last January, but a year without bookies, casinos, Card schools, Slots, Bingo, and online).
It has been an abysmal life Giorgio and it makes me very sad when I see young folk starting out like I did. My first thought is that of being fearful that they will go down the same route as me. But then my second thought usually is, (as it is with you), that you stand a great chance of getting yourself on the right road, just by seeking out help for yourself.
It obviously isn’t easy and the longer you gamble, the longer, (and harder), it is to quit.
You have shown great fortitude and tenacity by seeking out some help, every single CG, (Compulsive Gambler), who reads your post will have empathy with you regarding the big win and the following bigger losses. Most of us had a big win in the early days.
Some people refer to living in a fog when we are gambling, even when we aren’t physically gambling we are planning our next gamble, maybe conniving how to get more funds, or just deciding what bets to place. This is living in the gambling fog. Whatever you choose to call it there is no doubt about it gambling distorts our thoughts, our minds and our mindset it clouds our judgements and leads us to make stupid choices. You can’t see sense because of the fog.
You’ve admitted you have a problem, now, if you agree with the above paragraph you must surely agree that you are powerless against gambling. not only that but your life has become unmanageable because of it. It certainly sounds like it from what you’ve written.
Just understanding that and truly believing it is a blessing, it is also the first step on GA’s, (gamblers anonymous), twelve step programme. GA might be something you could consider.
Lots of people will say “yeah yeah I get it” but they really don’t. Because if they did, regardless of their own situation, they would lift their head out of the gambling fog and realise that gambling has taken over their life and it should be the number one priority to take whatever steps necessary to avoid gambling.
Along with the understanding that you are powerless against the gambling its only logical that there should be an understanding that this condition has no cure. It will always be the same, if you keep going back to gambling you are always going to be powerless against it.
At this early stage Giorgio, it may seem overwhelming. I would imagine that on top of feeling dirty you’re feeling generally awful. It may be hard for you to comprehend what you’ve done…but you have done it I’m afraid, not of your own free will. What sane person could spend all that gambling? I’m not saying that you’re insane Giorgio, what I am saying is there is a prime example of distorted thinking.
I’m not trying to frighten you Giorgio, but gambling is a very serious addiction, there are probably millions of addicted gamblers in the world. Many of those never experience life outside the gambling fog.
I would suggest that you take whatever steps necessary to prevent your next bet.
I-did-it has made two good suggestions, first one telling your parents. I never did they found out in an awful way. A phone call off the police to say I’d been arrested hitch hiking 200 miles away from home, I was 17. Since then they’ve received many similar phone calls from the police, and hospitals. Without a doubt I’m sure that rather than the lifetime of misery I forced upon them they would have preferred I acted like a man when I was 21 and want to them with my problem. Actions speak a lot louder than words, I would suggest you ask either of your parents to install a gambling blocker on the devices you have internet access on. Get them to register the software in their name and email address, and that they set the password.
I’ve heard too many tales of people putting the blocker on, even getting someone else to set the password but then on getting an urge to gamble just press the forgotten password button., and then just turn it off. Even with an encrypted generated password if you put the software on in your own name you are leaving the door to gambling slightly ajar. Also, if you use your phone to gamble it might be a good move to down grade it to a basic model without internet. (You can put blocking software on your phone, but in desperate times its too easy to remove it). You might think this will make you the laughing stock in front of your mates, so what if it does. A true mate will understand. They may not understand the addiction, but they will understand that you have it. Many people think it’s just a case of stopping and not just visiting those sites or venues. If it was as easy as that none of us would be here seeking support. I know different Giorgio, I know it just doesn’t seem possible to stop. You say yourself you feel like every penny you get will end up gambled. I could never truly explain the attraction of it. Before internet gambling was around it felt sometimes like a big magnet was drawing me into gambling venues or that there was somebody there with a fishing rod reeling me in, I could not explain it……I just wanted to gamble and gamble and gamble.
Through recovery Giorgio you will hopefully begin to realise that you can say no. Because if you were to say yes to it being aware you are addicted and powerless against it and that it has the potential to make your life unmanageable, you would be making a ridiculous choice.
From 1981 until 2010 I lived in the gambling fog. I’ve lived in it for long periods since then, I havn’t been back to prison since 2006, but I did continue criminal activities until about five years ago. Two years ago, I was living in a room no better than a squat and I lived on stolen food for several months. My head dipped in and out of the gambling fog until December 2016. I think my head has been out of the cloud since then, the lottery tickets this time last year maybe a swan song.
I nearly gambled last week though, the first urge I’ve had in over a year, I know if I’d have gambled I’d be back in that fog now. I found it very hard to resist, if I’d have had the urge earlier in the year maybe I wouldn’t have resisted.
To get through life without ever gambling again may seem impossible to you at the minute, getting through a week or a even a day may seem tough enough. I only ever commit to getting through today without gambling. With the exception of that one-day last week I havn’t found it too hard. It has finally sunk in to my thick head that I am completely powerless against gambling. My life has been unmanageable so many times before because of it why would it turn out different the next time? Just today Giorgio just keeping getting through today. One day at a time the days will become weeks, the weeks months, then the months years. It is possible to stop, one day at a time, just for today is all you need to commit to.
Asking this of your parents will show them, not just tell them that you want to stop.
I don’t know how well you get on with your folks maybe your Dad will suggest just throwing some money your way to pay off your debt if you have any. That is not the solution Giorgio.
Gambling is very progressive, not just by the size of bets and amounts you will lose. Every aspect of it is. For me the lengths I would go to to get gambling money got progressively more pathetic, obscene, and serious. The self-loathing and feelings of being worthlessness lead me to attempt suicide more than once. Sadly, I know of people who have committed suicide, and I know many who have attempted it all because of their gambling addiction.
I started writing this about 12 hours ago but fell asleep, (I work nights), I see you’ve had a couple of responses since and this post repeats some of what others say, please try and understand what we’re all saying.
I wish you all the best with it and hope you can find the courage to tell your folks.
All the best.
Geordie.