Dear MM
I think at times of self-doubt we analyse ourselves and possibly tend to over-analyse looking for solutions that frankly are not there or if they are will not give us the answers we want.
In times of self-analysis I often ask myself why this or that happened but the answers are not always mine to be had. Your experience is a result of you being you but it is also a result of your CG’s personality and addiction, your family’s contribution to the way you are and all the various people you have met along your way.
I don’t believe that trying to understand now why your husband took your car against your will and smashed its windows will advance you one jot but I also find it hard to believe that wondering why you still tried to care for such a man will help you either. It is what you felt then – and at that time, for all his faults, you still saw in your CG some goodness and you were affected by that intangible thing we call love. Your upbringing possibly made you feel that no matter what the world saw in your husband you were going to find the good – you were trying to save him from himself – and I find no fault in that. You were doing everything wrong but, oh boy, you were doing it for all the right reasons.
When you stand back and look at yourself I hope you will learn to see the good in you – the person who wanted to get it right, the person who wanted to see the best in someone that the world would struggle to love. If being that person is wrong then I will not understand either.
It is what you do now MM that matters, now that you know that another person can tie you up in knots that you don’t deserve, causing you to wonder how you got there. It is important to protect yourself with ‘barriers’ – self-imposed safety devices that help you never to fall into the same trap again. I believe the way to avoid pitfall in the future is to ask better questions of yourself and those you meet and to accept that you cannot undo the past. The most important thing I believe about the experience of having the addition to gamble in your life is to treat it as just another part of your education, the extra class you didn’t mean to take, and turn it into something good for the future.
I hope you will soon leave the past firmly where it belong – in the past. You are a unique and very special person with a lot to offer and many people will benefit from knowing you. You are now a person with an experience behind you that most people will only imagine in their nightmares – use it MM, use it to make your future a better place – I know you can do it.
Hope to see you tonight
V
