Hi Phoenix
Sorry I had no more time yesterday than to give you our welcoming post.
Nobody could ever think that what has happened in your life would happen to them – you didn’t ask for or want the addiction in your life anymore than your CG (compulsive gambler). However, happen it has and you are trying to make sense of the senseless – in my view you have come to a terrific place to help you do just that.
I would think that every person who has lived with the addiction to gamble has found that the behaviour of their CG can be pretty rotten. Your CG is self-absorbed; his mind is full of addiction 24 hours a day which makes the good bits seem very special when they occur. The good bits of course help you ‘forget’ the bad behaviour for a time because you are a loving, forgiving person – unfortunately that is exactly what his addiction is hoping for – you to forget.
I am so pleased to read that you already know that you are not a fuss-pot or difficult. It is so important for you to realise that you are not to blame for the things that are happening around you and over which you feel you have no control. I think it is probably a common thought for the non-CG to think that they bring out the best in others so why, oh why – not in the one they love? It is a hard fact but you cannot make your loved one stop gambling. No amount of pleading, tears, anger, threats, love can stop a CG gambling, the only person who can do that is the CG themselves – when they are ready. That is the downside but the upside is that there are many things you can do to support him, so that facing his addiction can become a possibility for him.
I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your CG, what I hope is that you will stick with this forum and join the F&F group, so that you can gain the knowledge about his addiction that will help you cope – and then make informed decisions about your life.
It may be that his grumpiness is the person that he is or it may be that it reflects something in his life that he has not dealt with – when he controls his addiction there could be no guarantee that the grumpiness will stop if it is his innate personality but first and foremost it is right to deal with his addiction.
In Millie’s post to you, she writes ‘Sometimes you can feel more affected by their addiction than they are’ and that is the feeling I want you to turn on its head. I want you to stand back from his addiction and look after you. It is the best thing for you, your children and ultimately for your CG – he will not want to bring you down but his addiction will do so – if you allow it. I hope with support you can stop second-guessing and feeling so lonely – you are among those who understand here – I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.
Does your CG accept he has a problem? Is he willing to hand over the finances to you? Has he ever sought help for himself?
I will leave it there for now and wait for your reply. I do have an F&F group tomorrow, Tuesday, 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum – you will be very welcome.
Velvet
