Hi June
Nomore has made some very valid points. Maybe the doctor is arranging for your boyfriend to see a dedicated counsellor but for many CGs there is nothing as good as talking to those who share the experience of addictive gambling. GA is not an organisation that requires an appointment – all CGs are welcome to every meeting.
It is common for CGs to truly avoid controlling their addiction and to keep one foot in the door just in case an escape route (in their perception) becomes unavoidable. It is scary to face ones demons and admitting them to other people is something that they struggle with. As Nomore says, it is an addiction of secrecy, so ‘talking’ openly is not something that comes easily. Likewise not telling his father, especially with his father willingness to enable, is a fact your boyfriend’s addiction is well aware of.
These points are not given to frighten you – they are hopefully guidelines that help both you and your boyfriend. He won’t consciously be thinking ‘I won’t go to GA, I won’t tell my father because I may want to gamble tomorrow but when all is said and done he has a terrible addiction that needs handling carefully. Unfortunately you cannot save your boyfriend, only he can do that and if he is avoiding the support he needs he will struggle too much.
I don’t find it trivial that you write that you were sad about not getting a birthday present – I take it that your friends and family are still unaware that you boyfriend is a CG. If they were aware it would be easier for you to say that you have an agreement that is working for you as a couple. All couples have different ways of handling different situations within their relationships – you are handling the finances in your relationship and that is right for the two of you, what other people think doesn’t matter – but I do know that the longer the addiction is covered up, the harder it gets to appease ‘interested’ family and friends.
I might be missing something but it does seem to me that ‘you’ are doing all the work towards supporting your boyfriend and I do know that his addiction will be quite happy to sit back and let you do it. A CG can often ‘dry ‘gamble’ in early recovery, mistakenly believing that abstinence is recovery – it isn’t’. ‘Dry’ gambling is where no money is involved but the addiction is still very alive and kicking in the head of the CG. It is a very good way to get F&F to relax and believe that all is well so that they remove the barriers and begin again to accept ‘odd’ behaviour. By dry gambling, the CG can keep the addiction juices flowing until it can burst the banks again.
I hope you write back soon – and of course you will be welcome in an F&F group. Keep your thoughts coming – you are doing well but looking after you is more important than all the research into your boyfriend’s addiction.
Velvet
