Hi Monicau,
I just read your journal entries and wanted to let you know that I can relate and empathize with you and what you’re feeling. It’s a terrible feeling. Allowing love into life is a good idea. If that comes from god than that’s good.
I can read how much pain you’re in. I’m sorry for it. Gambling is horrible and ruins us. But there is silver lining… You are seeking help. Your life isn’t over yet. You have another chance to get you back. It won’t be easy and it usually doesn’t happen quickly. I have to remind myself of that over and over again. Baby steps and small wins. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
If I can offer both of us a suggestion… No matter how little money we have we can still do basic things to make ourselves feel better…. and this is a start. Get some workout clothes stretch out, stretch all of your body for 15-20 minutes…. Then do some light push-ups, work on breathing, do some sit-ups, work on breathing, do some jumping jacks…. Move the blood in your body… and while you’re doing this think of only positive things like the love of your children, how the warmth of the sun feels on your cheeks, how the wind feels when it courses your hair gently, etc. Think about things you are grateful for. Breathe deeply in, hold it for a moment, and then slowly let it out. Calm your thoughts and body and know that you will be ok.
What you are going through is rough and I wish I was there to hug you. You’ll be okay if you can never gamble again and never lose hope. I am grateful to you for sharing your story and reminding me how crummy this disease is.
Can you ask your children to help you a little? Just to help you pay this months rent and take care of the basics like phone, electricity, food, etc? In doing this you will turn over all finances to one of them and make a plan to pay them back, go to GA, get a new job, get your health back, etc.