Day 63 (9 weeks).
9 weeks ago today I made my last bet. I didn’t even know it was going to be my last bet. What I knew was that I’d let my parents down, and I’d let myself down. I will never forget this day. They got back from holiday and sat me down, and told me that they knew I had gambled again. Now I don’t know if I’d class this as a “relapse”. They had previously bailed me out of debt (never do this with a gambling addict, it solves nothing). They thought I’d stop if I knew I was debt free, but we all know that that’s only a fantasy. I never even really tried not gambling, and the second I had money in my account (the following day), I was back to my old ways. Well 9 weeks ago, which was a couple of months after I had originally told them I had a problem and they’d bailed me out, they came back from holiday and told me they knew I’d gambled again. That night I made the decision to change my life for good, and I haven’t looked back since. It’s been bloody hard, no one said it would be easy, but I will be debt free in a months time, I’m going into rehab, and I have a job lined up for when I come out. I’m looking forward to traveling, going on holiday, saving, enjoying life. Before now, I only enjoyed spunking my money up a bookies’ wall.
The thing I really hate about being a gambling addict is you never know how you’re going to feel each day. Yesterday I felt like shit for no reason what so ever. I didn’t speak to anyone, or say anything. I wasn’t living, I was just alive. Today is looking better and brighter, but I had a shit dream last night. Actually, I’ve had shit dreams for about 5 nights on the trot now. I seem to relapse in my dream which when I wake up makes me confused and angry. Although I realise it’s not “true”, it still makes me feel disappointed. If it’s not gambling in my dreams, it’s me seeing or meeting up with an ex girlfriend. We tend to have a good time and then I wake up and realise it’s all lies. This is quite hard to sort of just “get over it, it’s just a dream”. I haven’t really gotten over either of my past girlfriends, I still miss them both for different reasons. I’m pretty ****ed up in the head when it comes to them because I don’t even know how I feel about them. I’ve spoken to them both at the same time and said that I want to get back with them. But how can I say that to both at the same time? I’d message them both and say I missed them both. That’s just not right… I guess I feel empty and want to fill that emptyness with some sort of “feelings”. I don’t know, I’ve been confused for months about the whole situation, so I don’t expect it to be any clearer any time soon. It’s hard because I was in a happy relationship with both of them, but gambling got the best of me and made living that lie really hard whilst with someone else. I screwed up both relationships, and I feel like an absolute cu** because of it. I hope it’s something I will be able to accept and overcome whilst in GM.
The dreams are hard to deal with because I never normally dream. They say everyone dreams but not everyone remembers their dreams – if that’s the case then I don’t remember mine at all. My “imagination” is very weak as it is – I can’t picture images very well at all in my head, colour tends to be the main issue. Therefore remembering very vivid dreams 5 days in a row, and for those dreams to be nightmares, it’s very draining. I can only hope that they end soon.
I don’t really have anything to look forward to from now until I go to GM. Tomorrow I’m meeting up with a huge group of mates (30 or so) and we’re having a meal together and then we’re going out for a bit of a dance and probably a few drinks too many. That’s all I’m really looking forward to. My job is very boring at the moment and I can’t wait to go back to GM to not have to work here anymore. I’m working with my parents and I appreciate them giving me the job but it’s bloody boring. There’s no real motivation to even get up in the morning.
My brother is out here on holiday which means my mum and dad giving him 100% of their attention and me getting punished for just about everything and anything – I got told off for not going to bed before 12:30 the other night. I’m 21 for **** sake! I think I can go to bed when I feel like it. They haven’t told me in 5 years when to go to bed so why suddenly now. It’s like my parents are being hawks and are spotting every tiny little thing I’m doing wrong, and then they pounce on me. I get on with my brother but he’s VERY full on. He can’t just be doing nothing, and there’s always something he wants a hand with. The house isn’t the calm house it was a week ago, and everyone’s stressing out over nothing, and I am very uneasy at the moment so it’s just making life more difficult 10fold.
The other night I was having a few drinks with my closest friends – some of them don’t know about my gambling addiction because they’re so busy with their own lives I haven’t even seem them for weeks. I decided to tell them about it as I will be disappearing for 14weeks at the end of the month and they obviously need to know why otherwise everyone is going to start asking questions. I told them, one of them smirked, one of them said nothing, one of them said “but did you not win anything” and the other one said “oh shit ok”. This is the sort of shit that puts me on edge, like I’m not making this shit up or exaggerating it. No one understands it in real life (as a pose to people on here). All I wanted was a “don’t worry mate, I’m here for you, if you need anything just let us know”. Not even that. I’ve always put everyone else before myself, and they don’t even have the decency to say something nice, just “oh ok”. What the fu@*? It makes me just want to go to GM and never return again. I feel so so so alone in this it’s indescribable.
Today “feels” like a better day, but the underlying issues are the same ones that were there yesterday, and are the same ones that will be there tomorrow. It’s just how you choose to look at life that changes – but in reality that doesn’t even matter. What’s the point in putting a smile on if you’re crying inside.
Take care all.
MrExon