Hi Rose
I heard nothing selfish in you post at all but I hope that writing a journal on here will help you be surer of what you want and more importantly what is right for you and your family. I remember only too well how my feelings changed on a daily basis but I believe you shouldn’t worry about being stuck in your thoughts and actions – it is better to stand still at such times until you know which way forward ‘you’ really want to go.
Your partner didn’t want on ask for his addiction any more than you did. He is not a happy person because, unlike you, he is controlled by an addiction that determines how he will think and what he will do – you are not controlled by his addiction, although it is affecting your life.
If you have times when conversation is not about gambling, it is good to talk about the great times you had when he was not gambling and how happy you and the children were. Remind him how important he is to his family. Remind him about his hobbies, days out, fun times and the times you laughed together. It is quite normal to think about walking away and it probably is the easier option but it is tough bringing up children on your own and if he can pull himself together and take control of his addiction, it would probably be better for all of you.
Does he know that you are seeking support? Maybe it would do him good to realise that you are taking the situation seriously even if he is not. Maybe he should know that it is tough for you but you are willing to walk the extra mile ‘if he will walk with you’.
Splitting in the hope of seeing change often doesn’t work – his addiction is the master of threats which you are not. His addiction doesn’t like being dictated to but there are coping methods to help you deal with it. His addiction has taken your special day away but it need not have taken your future. You haven’t said in your post whether you still love him or not – I know how hard it is to love someone with an active addiction but If you do love him maybe you want to try something different – just as he needs to.
Whatever happens you will probably harbour resentment for quite a long time but time can erase that resentment, he can change.
It will be great to communicate with you in real time, I have a group on Tuesdays 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time and although I will never tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’, I will answer your questions honestly. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. You will be most welcome.
Velvet
