Day 188 with control over not doing something that is harmful to my well being.
I’m in the fight for my life. I recognize it. If I give in my life is over again. While I gambled I was breathing and had a pulse but I wasn’t living. Everyday I remind myself that I am an addict and know what I can’t do. Everyday I remind myself right after that it’s ok…. And I’m ok…. and it’s going to be ok… and take a deep breath and continue on. People are flawed. We make mistakes. We’re human. I’m human. I need to stop comparing myself to others that I see as perfect or living a life that I want. I just need to keep working hard one day at a time. Focus on making this day the best day ever. Focus on helping myself and being good to others. Focus on all positive things.
I agree with Charles and Vera to start your own threads. It’s helpful for a number of reasons. You don’t have to say much. Just explain how you’re feeling.
Vera – Thanks for saying hello and wishing me well. I’m glad to hear you’re doing so great as well. It’s amazing how much clearer things can get when we get out of the fog. Thank you for your much appreciated advise. I definitely look to you for support and guidance through the mercy waters of addiction and recovery. I suggest everyone of us listen to Charles and Vera. I will continue to work on myself Vera, and strive to put the pain of this more behind me. But as you know it’s difficult to forget such a huge loss of love, trust, time, and wealth. I agree with you that living one day at a time and not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow is smart. Just think about how you’re going to live the best day you can today. 🙂
TwnMum – Hi… I’m very grateful that you trusted me enough to reach out and express what you’re going through. I don’t think many people can truly understand or empathize with the pain you must be feeling. I’m really proud of you that you’re seeking advise and help from this forum and community of fellow compulsive gamblers. The advise that the others gave is sound advise. Please listen to everyone. I know it’s hard and definitely feels nearly impossible. But you can do it. Did you screw up? Yes. Does it mean you’re a horrible person? NO. Does it mean you need some work? Yes. The fact that you have reached out means you are close… if not ready to begin the transformation back to your life. We all have different ways to grieve. We all go must suffer through major personal losses. I agree that gambling is a way to forget painful events. Loose yourself in the action…. Then something crazy happens from the action… We loose money… we lose time…. we lose self respect…. we lose friends…. we lose family…. we lose ourselves to it…. and probably least important we lose money. But ultimately – WE LOSE! Once we lose it we convince ourselves that we have to have it back. We have to get it back. So we start chasing. and you know what? It feels good because we forget the losses, we forget the pain, we’re feeling good for a few hours, but boom, then we aren’t. And it’s not only back but it’s worse this time. This is a cycle for all of us until we’re completely broke and null and void to everyone and everything including ourselves. But there is a chance for all of us. We have to stop immediately. We have to choose life and not gambling. We have to let go of all the yesterdays and all the money and everything else and just want to enjoy today.
Questions:
1. Did you go to GA? If so, how was it? Did you relate to some of the folks there? Was it therapeutic?
2. Do you have twins?
3. What are your games of choice when gambling? You said you went on a binge? How so? Online? At a casino?
4. How are your finances? Can you pay your bills this month? How bad is your debt?
5. Is your family usually supportive of each other? Are they the most important people in your life?
Mr Exon – Thank you for taking the time to visit me and wish me well and offer some insight. It’s truly appreciated. I’m glad to hear that you’re gamble free for a month. That’s really awesome man. Keep up the good work! In response to your suggestion I will do my best to stop blaming myself so much. I think maybe it’s been part of my process. I have been trying to accept my loses in a safer and more constructive way lately. I’d be the last person to tell anyone what to do. I merely make suggestions like you are. I say do whatever works for you to stay away from gambling. If you’ve made it 27 days doing it your way then keep it up. Make it to 47, then 62, then 84, and so on with that method. The key for you and me is not gambling for today. Talk soon brother and lets not do that crap together.
Charles – You are a man that I’ve sparred with on this sight once or twice. The truth about you Charles is you are a great person who cares about others. You give it to us straight and and I’m grateful. I always welcome your advise and appreciate your help.
MaryMelody – Hi MaryMelody, Thanks for reaching out and reading my story. It’s nice to have someone rooting for you in a positive way. 🙂 I’ve been trying my best to remain strong and fight for my life. I’m very sorry to hear that you and your husband are suffering through the grip of the disease. It’s scary how powerful it can be. Some/most can’t see their way out with help. I certainly had a lot of help and still come to this site daily and am grateful for the daily emails that stand as a reminder that I am sick. I might not be throwing up. But I am sick and always will be. And it’s ok. I’ve gambled a fortune away and it’s going to be ok. This is my journey. And yes I blame myself for making these bad choices. I’m no genius but I don;t see anyone else around to blame. I accept that and am proud of my acceptance. It hurts. Sure. But I own it. Unfortunately the grips of gambling are so bad that your husband will most likely choose gambling before love. It’s that powerful. I don’t know the answer accept that I do know the power of gambling. Your husband will need to stop for the sake of his own life. Once he does that he might be ready to love another person again. Until he can love himself and not compulsively gamble while hurting the ones that love him he can’t truly love another. I’m sorry to say that but I do believe it.