Day 8.
Feel slightly better, strangely. For a couple of reasons, I suppose. Hope this is a good thing.
#1 – I was forced to be honest with myself 8 days ago. I didn’t like my girlfriend. She was good for me, but there was no chemistry and she was pushing for a serious commitment way too fast. I’m not ready. I’m not well enough for commitment. Until I face some hard facts – at this point – I’d **** up a wet dream. I heard a joke once that may allow me some rationalization for my latest gambling loss (I’m being facetious, of course…but it’s better than being despondent, as I have been). Here it is:
What does “Yes, I’ll marry you” mean?
A price tag of $350 thousand dollars!
#2 …the most important one for me. I have fear for the future. Which means I have a future. If I didn’t have concerns about my future, it would equate to having passed the point of no return. I have worry. I have doubt. I have fear. These are healthy feelings to have from where I’m standing, considering what I have been doing. I don’t even deserve to have a 90th chance, yet…here I am. By the grace of God, spirituality, “luck”(I’ve grown to hate that word), the angel over my shoulder, the spaghetti monster…whatever! I financially lived to fight another day when I don’t deserve anything but contempt, having lost all material worth and self-lothing.
Yet, here I am. I may not be standing tall, but I’m standing.
Day 9. I fear you.
I give thanks for this fear.