Thanks velvet for your kindness.
The week has been hard but i believe my rock bottom has been found. Out of the rock bottom i have found such pain and misery, such sadness and complete loss of self worth. I have also found a spark of that hope that makes me want to survive this and continue. I know that i can have a life if i keep going.
I feel as though i have woken from a coma, looking around and being in disbelief at what i now find. I am shocked at what i have done but i cannot change it. I am disappointed and confused but i have to work through it. I really created a mess so i need to clean it up but i can see that this process is going to take a lot of time and planning.
I feel stuck like i dont know which way to turn, what to do. Little simple things are so hard right now.
I have done some things to help me. It has been incredibly hard to even achieve a normal day each day of this week.
I attended counselling which really helped me just empty my head and unscramble my brain a little, to gain some perspective. I made an account a joint account so i need another signature to withdraw from savings.
I vow to carry little cash each day only what i need at the minimum, though that wont be hard, there will be minimum!
I have set up direct debits to debt and repayments over a long period of time.
Im really just so sick of the life that i had that i have to try to create a new one that i am happy in. It is just time i need right now to heal. I feel broken and completely cracked open, I’ve come undone and I’m not sure how long its going to take me to find my way again. What i am holding on to however is that spark. That one tiny spark that glows in the darkness, that says, you can do this.
Courage