Today is a good day, and recently I have been having more good days than bad. Life is not perfect or a bed of roses. I have debts, not much work, but thanks to the fact i am not gambling I have a future and that is exciting. I can take life one day at a time.
Today is also day 9 without cigarettes. I am saving just £5 a day I do not buy a pack of cigarettes. Tonight I will have £45. NOt a huge amount, but that is a geniune saving. I am spending about £5 a week on the eCigs. 2 cups of coffee, which now I am in a house temporarily, I am not buying as I cannot spend the day in my garage.
On May 11 I will arrive at the cannes Film festival to take part in the producer’s workshop. I also have a film I produced in 2014 playing at the cannes disability film festival which takes place at the same time (but is nothing to do with the main festival).
On May 11 2015 I entered Gordon Moody House in Dudley. If someone had said that i would not complete the course at Gordon Moody but, by attending GA and staying committed to the dream of stopping gambling i would be at the Cannes Festival exactly 1 year later (for the first time since 2006) I would have laughed and said you are mad. But that is what has happened. I have met a writer and development executive and the work has started on my gambling recovery feature film. I will share more about that in time. But instead of making a film about just gambling addiction, this is going to be about the process of recovery.
This site has been a godsend over the last 12 months. I know I have not been here much but we must all find our own path to recovery and I had to to it on my own. I go to GA, NA and therapy at the NPGC. But none of this matter unless I WANT TO STAY STOPPED, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
In a previous post to another member I talked about the thought experiments I play when I get gambling thoughts. These help me a lot. I imagine myself gambling, and no matter how hard I try I cannot ever imagine a positive outcome. I can imagine winning money, but I always keep playing until I lose it. Or I spend it and then gamble again and lose. Because you lose more often than you win, that’s the business model. if it was any other way they wouldn’t be in business. They wouldn’t have glitzy casinos, or the owners wouldn’t own football teams (Stoke City, my team, is owned by the founders of Bet 365). I saw an interview with the owners of the company, Peter and Denise Coates. They don’t gamble. Funny that.
It’s a terrible illness, gambling addiction, as there is so little understanding of it., But it’s as powerful a drug as cocaine, crack and heroin. Trust me, I’ve been addicted to them all. Gambling was worse in almost every way. Except no one could tell. When I was a junkie people noticed. I got ill. No one could tell I was a gambling addict, not even the woman who was my wife at the time. I became a brilliant liar, but the lies warped my mind and robbed me of me. I am still recovering and I will ALWAYS be in recovery and that’s why I go to GA. I want to help others, but I need to hear the stories of the newcomers and also the people who relapse after a period of abstinence. I cannot afford this to be a calm before the storm. From what I can tell gambling addiction is much much worse after a period of not gambling.
If I can be of any help to anyone, please ask. I do not know everything, I am early in my recovery, but I have learned a few things that work for me and if they might work for someone I want to share it. I only have what I have because other people gave it to me, and I can only keep it by giving it away freely.
have a beautiful and serene and I wish you all my love in your battles, maybe they be positive and successful.
Mav
All my love