Following your story and your posts, you remind me of how I felt in 2010. No matter what people said to me, my focus was on the past, not the present or the future. I wont go into detail, but 2010 was a desperate year for me, even by my standards!
The difference between you and me is that you are seeking professional help and I tried to tough it out on my own. Me trying to tough it out has left me in an even worse position 5 years on. The cycle will never be broken unless we seek and accept outside help, that is a fact.
You can’t see it now, but there is hope for the future because you have sought that help. You also wont realise it now, but by seeking this help, you may be saving years and years of suffering and heartache, probably decades.
Make the most of today, think positively, there’s so much hope, believe me.
Charlster.