So didn’t sleep last night. Just full of panic, worry, guilt, self hatred, self loathing for what I have done to my life. It’s not just gambling, but how I live my life. I was recovery but don’t know what to do. This is not going to fix itself, I have to fix me. But how. I have thrown away everything that is goo din my life. Am I going to feel like this forever? Is it all lost? I honestly see no future for me today. Yesterday I felt ok, but today all is lost again – the severity of what I have done all too apparant.
I am close to thinking of ending my life – what is the point of going on? I know I won’t as I don’t have the guts. But I have screwed up my life so royally in so many ways, and so much of it is to do with what the gambling did to my mind.
yesterday while walking my sleeping son in the cot I started daydreaming about gambling, about hands played at poker, losses, bad beats etc etc. I caught myself after about 20 mins. Hadn’t noticed he was awake. Playing that stupid game has dominated my life for 3 years, turned me into a lazy, stupid person who cannot see what good he has in his life, or how good his life could be. I am big headed, egotistical, thinking I could have it all. I could, if I could control the gambling and not let it control me.
I am still addicted to gambling even though I haven’t placed a bet for 29 days. This is the longest I have ever been – pathetic isn’t it. How could something like gambling have such a profound affect on my mind.
I truly hate myself this morning, hate the fact I have no future, hate the fact that all I can do is live in the past. Paid the company debts, rebuilt the copmany, refocused it, did what I dreamt of it – instead I did the minimum work to deliver the project (which could have been so much more effecient if I had been more organised) and the found new clients, new staff, got advice etc.
I had my dream in my hands and I threw it away because I didn’t value it. I don’t value anything, least of all myself. After my first year of proper compulsive gambing I lost 20K which set me off into a depression. End of 2012 – U started GA but carrued on playing in secret – then getting caught, promising I would never do it again – then getting better at lying.
It all aught up with me until I lost it all – and I did it, no one else. I have no one to blame but myself. How can I forgive myself this?
I pray for recovery, I try to be grateful for what I have. My son, my health – but I have no future at the moment. Apart from going to GMA, on May 11, to sort this out. Maybe I will have a future if I put all my energy into that.
I love you all, and I love reading stories of recovery, so please keep posting.