The truth is I wasn’t clear for a year last year as I wrote in my opening post. That was another lie. Just like all th eother lies where I promised my wife I was clean. I just became better at hiding it. The truth came out last night because she is using one of our work computers and she found a log from an old POkerStars and FullTiltPOker application in the documents folder, which had a list of hands from Feb of last year onwards. I didn’t even know I had used that computer the gamble on. The truth is, I lost lots of time last year gambling when I should have been working, and while the monetary loss was not major over a period of 8 months (about 2K) the loss of time is priceless. That is why my company and the project I have been managing is where it is, and it is why now I am fearful of my future.
Gambling robs you of everything. I cannot gamble normally, once I start I cannot stop. I am on day 7 now, and that is the truth. However, if I didn’t have gambling blocking software on the computer I would have gambled, I am sure.
I will lose my son now, I will lose my business. Myabe that was the subconcious plan all along. The only way my brain could stop me gambling was to take everything. I decide that today is my rock bottom. From here I can only go up. The sun is shining, the pills are working, I feel kind of hopeful I have a future because I can decide what future I have. And the first thing is that it is a future without gambling, whatever that takes. I believe the next bet for me, whether online, offline, on a frutie, the lottery, whatever, will be my death.
I must accept the harm I have done myself and those around me. I have destroyed a massive part of my life. I have lied, cheated, been lazy, stolen, committed fraud. I am a degenerate compulsive gambler and the sooner I understand that and accept the sooner I am likely to be able to have a fulfilling life.
What will I do for work going forwards? I don’t know. I know I have some skills, but not sure how valuable they are in the wider work place. I will need advise on that.
But until I have stopped gambling for good, I can’t move forwards. As the orange book says I have to make a fearless moral inventory of myself:
At the moment, I am lazy, I lie, I cheat , I am lazy and am doing nothing to sort myself out.
So this is where it has to change and move forwards. I have to do the right things where my wife and child are concerned and take care of them. I have to grow up and accept that this day was always coming as long as I continued to gamble, the losses would mount and the depression would increase. I do not believe it is possible to be a CG without getting more and more depressed because we hate ourselves for it. I am disgusted with myself, but I accept I am ill. It is a progressive illness which will lead in time to poverty, homelessness and suicide if I do not stop. I can stop the rot here if I choose.
I have never aken this disease seriously. I have always tried to gamble on the sly, as if that is my right. I so wish that 3 years ago, when my wife first realised I had a problem (after just 2 months of poker) I had seen the light.
But, and I do not mean this in a disresepctful way at all, I do not want to be saying this in 1, 3, 5 or 10 years when I am 50 and have nothing. I can still dig myself out of this hole if I work on it.
Today, I will not gamble. Today, I will work hard, be fosuced, treat everyone with repsect, not lie and go to bed satisfied with my performance. And then tomorrow, I will do the same.
Much love
Mav
PS, I am so impressed with the stories of recovery here and I am a little jealous that thus far I have not had their character to stick to it.