realisation interesting word am looking for the real I to talk to me, to be me not the false lyer the master of trickery and self mutilation.
I just mailed my counsellor and thought I would share some of it on here, wondering if anyone can identify with it or is it just me?
If I gamble I can’t stop the cycle until I reach a totally broken state it’s like until I can get to that I can’t stop. I have to make sure the pain is greater than anything else and gambling fits that quite nicely. So I ought to be grateful to the online casinos cos they can give me that medicine any time night or day, how considerate of them.
Something else I have observed is I need to chase, winning is annoying as there is no chase nothing to try for, so when you lose you then need to focus on the battle ahead which is of course winning your money back, now if per say by chance that happens too quickly that’s ok, increase the bet it soon will be gone again, then win it back again and by the time you have lost it all again the drug has taken effect, you feel all the things you have been avoiding feeling but it appears it’s ok to feel them as they are safe pain, gambling pain. It’s ok to feel completely worthless, full of fear, sucidal, cos it all to do with gambling right….
the closer I get to solving the mystery of my fragmented mind, the more intense the urge to gamble becomes, am I so afraid of myself, my demons that I have to destroy any chance I could, possibly have of a future, do I even deserve a future after all I have done over the last nine years or so, it’s all rather a mystery.
I remember when I was a naive sixteen year old (excusable then but now?) I earned very little money and I put and lost three pound fifty in a fruit machine which was a huge amount of money to me then ( no we are not talking pre war days either am not that old, besides that would be ten shillings and three pound I think, not that I remember that) after that loss I never ever gambled again maybe a few 2 p in a holiday campsite but I never like those places dirty smokey smelly in those days, and very loud. When I gambled online I never had the volume on its a dreadful sound those machines. A few years ago there was a programme on tv called The mint, some of you may not know this basically it was a tv quiz show that you could call up and if you got the right answer to the stupid question you would win a cash prize, I never even paid to call them as it was ITV you could get a free code via the PC so I just got through that way, I got through on a Good Friday won five hundred pounds and again two days later Easter Sunday, there were other shows too quiz mania I was always getting through there not always the right answers but often did and th cheques popping through the letter box fairly regularly, there was even one where you and to beat the presenter in the yes and no game over a timer, I beat him every time and it was like he thought when I got through not you again…. Anyway whilst spending all my time getting codes for the phone. There was an advert for a casino on the itv web page with free play bonus, intrigued I thought I will give it a go, as you can imagine I won usual thoughts this is fantastic why did I never think of this before, new career, forget the nine to five its not for me any more, the rest is history the history of a life of a compulsive gambler…..
The last nine to ten years think it was possibly 2006 Have been the most destructive, I could,not have damaged myself more had I committed crimes that received a ten year prison sentence in fact I think that life may well have been easier.
I am awake now, as I awoke from terrible dreams that I was unable to wake up from even though I tried desperately hard to wake up and real I se that it was a dream and nothing to fear.
I do not know can not see any clear road ahead , pitfalls and traps that Sane folk avoid, I look for them set myself up to fail every single time, I really Beleive this will kill me in the end this is not a threat that I am going to do anything like that, as I am having so many physical problems with my brain ( what you actually have one you are all thinking) I never used to have these head problems, I have vibrations in my head, no pain but very disconcerting, anyway a post for once from one of me ‘s well done End xxx Thank you
