If y’all thought today would be my day #2, you need to think again. I’m back to to square one. Or day #0, whatever you prefer to call it. I gambled again last night till 3am.
This time I won $2K. $1000 to go and then I can live gamble-free forever. Famous last words.
If you had asked me around 7pm yesterday what I thought the chance were I would gamble again in the near future (let’s say 2 months) I would have said ‘far less than 1%’. The memory of what gambling did to me was so fresh, so vivid and I knew I wouldn’t gamble again any time soon.
Well what we “know” isn’t always what is. And less than an hour later I was seated at a PLO 2-4 table on Party Poker, my friend’s account. There was $200 in the account and he said he could put another $600 if need be. Sounded like a plan and I was game.
Cards were running ok, I wasn’t steaming and I ended up winning $2k and cashed out $1400 to my friend’s bank account leaving $600 so I can chase the $1000 I’m still down.
I knew and I know it was very bad what I was doing, but I also felt happy. It was like the old days when I had the night for myself, I gambled, I watched porn, I gambled some more and I won.
I don’t know why I went back into my old ways just hours after I posted my day #63. Maybe because I saw other people here relapsed and lived. Maybe because I thought I can have a fun evening out with the guys and not turn it into desperate money-chasing event. Or maybe it was inevitable as I am a compulsive gamble to the core.
But I’m not kidding myself. I know I cannot contain my addiction, I know I cannot be a happy recreational gambler. I know I cannot play 2 hours and leave whether I win, lose or break even. I have to chase because I’m a sick compulsive gambler and I have a problem.
And I know I’ll try and chase that $1K. I wish I could let it go, $1K won’t change anything in my life, but I know I will try and win it back using the $600 still in the account. But I wish I would let it go.