Happy New Year to all of you, my friends. I have not gone out for the last two days. I did not see any motivation to go out. And the worst is that I am not even doing any thing positive sitting behind the computer the whole day and night. I am so worry and scare of the future. When I stop gambling it just comes rushing in to my mind. I do not know how can I support myself now. Being in recovery and not gambling, I feel some how ashamed of being on benefit from state, at the same time can not think of any thing. I am fighting with them over something that I do not want to be fighting. I want a job, but I want to be able to support myself. I do not want to rush into a situation that put so much pain and pressure that make me back in to the gambling habit. I am so tired of thinking and not reaching to any result. Why I never learned to get on with life without any anxiety. No plans, no instruction, in my life. I wish I had a mentor knowing all about me and tell me every day what to do, until I learn to deal with my internal feelings, being scare of every thing. I feel so tired mentally. I cant show my feelings. I feel numb. Its like I automatically switch of and turn my face the other way. It is bad. it makes me feel unable to deal with situation naturally. God help me. I go to bed now. to forget.
