Originally posted by paul315
… Thanks to all of you, thanks to my God, and thanks to organizations like GT and GA, I can say; my name is Larry and I am a Recovering Compulsive Gambler …
Good morning,
Below is a post that I intended to post in the "Our Daily Pledge " topic, but thought it was more appropriate for my journal than in a pledge. But, before going into that matter, I am happy to still be able to say that "my name is Larry and I am a Recovering Compulsive Gambler, with a clean date of October 17, 2013, and not a CG still in action, plus to update this topic with my thoughts and progress.
I don’t post to this page often but it still hold an accounting of many of the milestones of my journey, and many thoughts that I am able to go back and read when I need a reminded of why I am in recovery and why I log into this community of fellow gamblers. I am doing good and feel that I am progressing from what RG related to in her post before this one: "the first six month achievement has a celebratory tone … one of relief and certainty. This time around, I sense uncertainty and sadness". I am once again felling that I am living gambling free, not just not gambling. This realization came about after a time a few weeks ago where I had rented a car for the weekend to attend a musical event where my granddaughter go to sing her fist solo part. Going to the program was not the determining factor, in fact the realization came a few days after the week-end, a week-end of not gambling more than feeling of living gambling free.
Normally when I rent a car for such occasions I also use it to go out on the town. As mentioned in an earlier post last time I did this I found myself cruising a casino parking lot, I didn’t go in, but that thought and a fear of repeating it, and perhaps giving in this time, keep me from the more normal activities of life., I could not go out that week-in for fear of gambling[ this was not a good feeling. This fear also hampered plans for an Easter Brunch the following week, but instead of just not going to one that was adjusted to a casino, I was able to go to one that was out of reach of the temptation; the meal was good, but that fact that fear forced me to do something more logistically complicated than necessary was not good.
Thinking this over, and reviewing the needs in a couple of the GA Steps,the following days I now feel that fear is behind me, that warning feeling is again an awareness. Fear did little to stop me before I started recovery, and could not depend on it that much to keep me from gambling. So today I once again feel a certainty that I can not gamble. And today I realize that I needed to post to my journal more than to post a pledge that I make every day whether it is posted or not; and that brings me to the following that is here instead of in my other topic.
Now for the part relating to my pledge topic.
"Posting of a daily pledge seems to have become more of a chore than to something that was natural to me. I am tired, not tired of recovery or working on changes that make recovery possible, but tired of feeling guilty when I miss posting on some days. To eliminate this guilt I feel that letting it be known that I may not post each day is the best way for me to deal with yet another problem tied to this addiction; an inherited responsibility to help others. The desire to help is not a problem in itself, in fact it is part of the positive actions that allows us to progress in recovery. But for me it has become a problem in that when I fail to post I feel guilty, and guilt is not a good thing.
With this said, I will not be posting to "Our Daily Pledge" on a daily bases, but will post when the opportunity presents itself in the right manor; not one of obligations but one more within an act of sharing. I will continue to make my own daily pledge to not gamble for I feel that a renewed commitment is needed each day for this ODAAT process, and I have no thoughts of signing off or not participating in the services of GT. This is not to say that I will not post daily at times, or that I might follow another scheduled posting, it is just a notice that I may not post here each day and that the reason for me is a positive one, not one of a overly concern to others.
In one of my first post to the conceptual topic of this venture ,"The" Daily Pledge by justin South Africa , I spoke of a strength I found in making a pledge: "I will make this pledge again also, and why not, after lying to one’s self over a period of time a pledge is easy to make. Now I can go through the day living another lie. Or, just maybe, my pledge will turn out to be the truth again today. At least I am giving myself a choice and not just excepting that I have to gamble". Throughout the years I have found this to be true each day; I could choose to gamble or not to gamble, and I could strengthen this decision with a pledge. Thankfully, I have been able to fulfill this pledge all but a few of my days in recovery; and I am even more thankful that on the third day after my crash I was able to start another consecutive time frame of day not gambling, now over 200 days, to add to my combined years of being gambling free.
In my first post on the new topic, "Our" Daily Pledge, as an extension to Justin’s, and in naming it as a connection for me to the prayer of "Give us this day …", I also recognized the strength that I continued to find in making a pledge: "In making a daily pledge not to gamble I find it to be a tool, or even a nourishment much like the bread above. My pledge feeds and strengthens me, allows me to make amends for my wrongs, and keeps me from the temptations of gambling; it helps deliver me from the powers of my addiction".
So again my pledge will still be made if not posted, and I will know that it, along with the actions taken to fulfill it, will help me in my daily progress. I also still understand the need to reach out, and recognize the comfort and help that be found when we and others reach out to take the hand of another as expressed in the poem found in the GA pamphlet, "Towards 90 Days" (see http://www.gachicago.org/Literature/Towards-90-Days.html), and will still be reaching out for help, and to provide support — "We are not alone".
Fellow gambler, take my hand;
I’m your friend, I understand.
I’ve known your guilt, your shame, remorse;
I’ve borne the burden of your cross.
I found a friend who offered ease;
He suffered, too, with this disease.
Although he had no magic cure,
He showed how we could endure.
We walked together side by side;
We spoke of things we had to hide.
We told of sleepless nights and debts,
Of broken homes and lies and threats.
And so my weary gambler friend,
Please take this hand that I extend.
Take one more chance on something new,
Another gambler helping you.
Author unknown
One Day At A Time – They Add Up
God’s speed. Stay Strong. Keep taking action.
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.