Hi Guys,
I have very strong urges to gamble today. I was driving toward "the scene of the crime", the Indiana casinos, as I was going to see my ex-gambling buddy to hang out for a few hours and shop. I had it in my head that if she suggested we gamble I would. ( I have told her to never ask me that-as I can not control it ). We had lunch, she talked about her plan for tomorrow. She was planning an outing for tomorrow-she had a comp-and she planned on using it then leaving. As much as I wanted to say "lets go" I knew I would not. I would not "shame" myself into asking her to go with me.
It will be 3 years on Febuary 20th, that I lost the most that I have ever lost at the casino. I had written some "hot" checks-spent the mortgage, the car payment, any money I could get my hands on. I cried on the phone to my daughter-she had to bail me out. I feared for my job if those checks hit the bank. I tried to sleep but "Woke up wishing I was dead" that day. I had to face the reality and admit to myself, not only did I have a gambling problem, I was a Compulsive Gambler-and I wanted to die. I had the method picked out, the supplies at the ready, I was more willing to kill myself than face the truth. "Could there possibly be anyone in the world that felt how I was feeling?"
I googled "Gambling Help" and found Harry on the hotline. There was a group session going on and he asked me to join it. I remember crying and typing and and the whole group of strangers reassuring me that YES, people like me DO feel like I felt! That I was not alone. That people do recover from this madness-that there was hope for me.
It’s not been a perfect 2 years, 11 months-I have had my trials and trimuphs. I have cried more tears than I can count. I have experenced friendship and love from people around the world. So many of you have been a big part of my recovery-the trips, the chats, phone calls, cards sent. Paitience and Wisdom shared. Tough Love when I needed a kick in the butt, a non judgemental ear when I just needed to vent.
I just want to thank each and every one of you.
I didn’t gamble today-Gambling is not an option!
with love
bettie– 1/21/2013 4:32:51 AM: post edited by bettie.
