Today I am feeling a bit low and I have been reflecting on my situation. I refinanced the house. I have lowered the interest rates on my credit cards. I went over my finances and it reflects my carelessness over the last 12 months. I bought a lot of stuff that I didn’t need and charged items when I should have paid in cash. My personal demons about being a people person show in my finances also. I have charged many things for others. No one asked me to, I did it as a way to please them. I have 2 outstanding loans (relatives) that they are paying monthly payments to me. I stopped gambling but I am still using destructive behavior. I sat down and figured out a budget to pay off my debts and get this burden off of me. It was painful to do but most painful was that I am trying to buy others love and confirmation. In the end, I am the one who has to figure it out. I have no one to count on financially. I will get through this. It’s time to dig in and buckle down. It reminds me of when I gambled. I felt unworthy and down and I was punishing myself by being destructive. I am NOT going down that road again. I am getting myself out of this debt. When I get back from the city, mid August, I am going to volunteer somewhere, go back to church, and get a life for myself. I guess this is my wake up call that I don’t want to live this life anymore. It’s too stressful and non productive!
