I’ve started moving my stuff into my cottage it feels almost like a victory moment to just look around and have a beautiful home thats mine. Today I’m going couch shopping which feels really cool to because it’s my own choice what I get. I don’t have to be controlled by someone else’s decision on what they want. I spent the day with a gf from my past that I met in early recocery from my substance addictions. We both were in agreement that the NA programs where we live have turned really toxic in our community. It’s a sad reality but nobody especially the women feel safe going to meetings anymore. Alot of us have been trying outside resources now. I still have my sponsor and do step work and I meet people outside of meetings to talk now. It’s an unfortunate thing in small towns but it can happen where the sickness takes over to much and makes people pull back. I’m sad about it because those meetings saved my life 10 years ago but now I leave more frustrated and depressed, anxious when I go to them because of alot of toxic drama going on. I’ve probably spoke to over 25 women who feel unsafe now and that makes me so sad. Those places are supposed to help us feel safe and not alone. I definitely feel angry about it but I’m happy that I’m finding ways to still get the recovery I need in my life and the connection to other recovering people as well. I’m fortunate my bestfriend is in recovery and most of the friends I have are as well or have knowledge of mental health and addictions. There’s a saying you are what you hang with and it’s so true. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn in my 20s when I quit substances. The old friends had to go. That’s the weird thing with being a gambling addict though is its a private addiction that you don’t use with other people. But still I make sure to surround myself with only healthy people or at least people trying to self improve because really nobody’s perfect. At my age I find friendships are imparitive to keep me going especially since I don’t have my own family unit or my actual family near by. I need those friendships to survive really. And I honestly much rather have those amazing women in my life and make those relationships last and work than have another partner. A partner is a bonus that can be added as long as its healthy.
