Update:
I was doing pretty well, fighting urges, going to meetings, etc. I had 7 days clean. I have no idea what happened.
I made a commitment to go to a meeting at least once a day. I went to another one yesterday.
Today, the devil was at works. For some reason I didn’t get a full sleep. I woke up and could not get back to sleep. The temptations to try the “strategy” again crept in. I went to the casino/cardroom and the cards came so ugly, the “strategy” didn’t even work/succeed once. I then proceeded to chase those losses with everything I had left and lost it. The way the cards came I knew it was the devil. I was the only one who was playing in the casino. When I went to blackjack, it didn’t matter if I hit or stayed, the cards favored the dealer. This is how I knew it was the devil from the time I woke up to the temptations. It’s like he woke me up, put the thoughts in my mind that I could win, and made me relapse once again, knowing the cards were going to come how they came.
I was starting to get a grasp on clean time, but unfortunately I lost control again and relapsed and lost. It was the last $700 I had to my name. It’s like I work so hard to save a little bit of money and lose it in a matter of minutes. It sucks. I hate this addiction. It honestly makes me hate life. I still dream of a day I can be financially secure and take care of family members without having to gamble (I’m broke with or without gambling, but a lot broker with it to be honest). Anywho, that’s my update. Day 1 again.