where to begin…

At this very moment the lights are flashing red and green on my screen. Alternating pixels on my computer monitors that are dictating my financial deterioration, a downward slide that seems only to be accelerating. Why would I position my monetary well-being, self-esteem and emotional stability, as well as my family’s love and trust within these random happenings.
I was on this site two years ago with an addiction to online poker. I threw away thousands I didn’t have on chasing my losses. I managed to lock myself out of all my favorite online haunts and work myself back into a positive position through honest hard work.
I’m here now not because of ‘traditional’ gaming, but because of my addiction to wild speculating in the stock and commodity markets.
Let me be clear here. ‘Investing’ is taking assets you have and putting them into stocks, commodities, and bonds based upon due diligence and prudence. Investing is part of securing your future.
Gambling is maxing out your credit cards to throw huge bets on stock derivatives that have such a high volatility that it makes the roulette wheel seem safe. I am not an investor. I am the old online gambling junky who has just walked into another destructive path.
I don’t know what the consensus is on this site regarding my current proclivity for gambling on the stock market. Is it better or worse than going to the casino, what I’m sure most people here struggle with? I don’t have an answer for that. I only know how I feel. My reckless behavior, my huge losses that could have been avoided, my complete dependence upon chance, I feel, classifies me as a compulsive gambler. I’m out of control.
I’m 28 and on the edge of financial ruin. My family has been supporting my problem and not knowing it. This hurts me the most. I don’t know if I can pay them back anytime in the near future.
There is that sick feeling that I struggle with. That helplessness as I can’t leave the computer screen as I await some kind of magic recovery. A deep illness rooted in the certainty that I am a failure, a squander of such resources and possibility. Despair at throwing away such potential, maybe never to see the likes of it again. How could I take all that I was blessed with and throw it away? Hindsight is 20/20, and it’s blindingly painful.
I have a good job with huge potential upside. But it requires hard work on my part. Work that I am unable to set my mind upon with the computer monitor calling me. If I’m not ‘trading’ (aka in my case as gambling) I feel lost. I can’t focus on the secure way forward. I can’t work. I’m chasing losses. All I see is the negative number in my net worth. I feel I’m in an abyss that is futile to try and climb out of. I just want to chase one more long shot.
I pinch pennies all day, skipping lunch or avoiding a night out with friends. All to save $5 here and $10 there. Yet I won’t blink at putting down $5000 on a stock I know nothing about, other than that it’s volatile and has a long shot a winning. Is this different than betting on a horse? I don’t know. I don’t think so.
I don’t understand what is wrong with me and that is why I’m here. I’m scared at never having a secure footing ever again. I’m locked away in my parent’s attic frantically trying to reclaim my financial security, and a way to pay them back.
I’m feeling helpless. A helpless failure. This is the worst feeling I know.