I’m trying to go to sleep as I have my test for my redseal ticket in the morning. Im feeling anxious, but I’m proud because I got a high percent on my course final today so I passed my course. I dont no how I managed to pass with all the shit going on in my life but I did. My anxiety is making ny brain circle around with painful memories right now. Some kid brought up how his dad was a gunmen in the army or something and we started talking about fathers. My biological father is a murderer. I never met him I was brought up by my step-dad whom I talk about in these posts. My bio dad was a heroin addict and ended up killing someone during one of his gang related activities. I dont think about him much but every once in awhile I get this weird feeling that I need to tell someone of the loss I feel and knowing I have a murder as a father. I no people can get better and all that but I later in life found out he did some other horrible things to women. This type of stuff is what I used to avoid thinking about. I have my own traumas to deal with let alone wanting to think about what that man did to people. This is when I would usually start escaping to gamble because my brain does this shit to me it starts thinking and spiraling around. Even more so now that I’m living alone. I guess writing this shit out of my head is maybe a good way to be free of it so I can focus on my test in the morning. Anyways I haven’t gambled I chose to come here and sacrifice some internal literature for the night.
