yesterday I had to see my husband for the first time since he left. As I needed some help with my trailer. It was extremely akward and I felt like strangers. I can tell he’s messed up and it broke me in half when he left to go to his own place again. My Dad phoned me to check on me as he lives in another city a plane ride away. He wanted so badly to be here to help me through this. He said when your in pain so am I. I cried alot with him and opened up alot. We’ve had a strained relationship all my life he was extremely abusive most of my life especially in my childhood. He blamed himself alot for what’s wrong with me psychologically and said he wishes he could change the past but he can’t. He said my mom would be here with me in an instant if she was alive comforting me so he feels like he should be. He said one thing to me that made me feel the most pain though. He said if my husband truly loved me he wouldn’t of left, he said regardless of what I’ve done that man should of stayed to help me through this and no that I’m trying to fight as hard as I can to beat this addiction and mental health problem. He said people who love you don’t leave you behind. I tried to rationalize in my head what he was saying. Maybe he’s just angry that he could walk away from me like that and is being protective by what he’s saying. My mom never left him through his addiction she went through hell with my dad but she never left his side. She made sure before she died that he sought treatment and got help and he did. The last thing she saw was him sober for a little over a year before she passed so she had some good times with him. I dont no if what he’s saying is right I never walked away from my partners in the past through there additions I fought like hell with them. I left those relationships because they never sought mental health help and became physically abusive thats where I drew a line. As soon as my husband asked me to get help I did. And I’ve been fighting ever since. But I always felt like he was shut off and just not present. He suffers from a severe head injury from an accident he had 4 Years ago. He’s never been the same person again. Part of why I pushed away from him alot is because he became angry alot, more impatient and frustrated by life. I think part of gambling was helping me numb out from the person he became I needed an escape from him and all the other shit that was going on in my head. I really felt like smoking yesterday I quit that years and years ago but had a small smoking lapse when my husband’s accident happened. He was trapped in a wheel chair for months and half his body was broken so it was a hard time and smoking numbed me out then. I quit after a month of starting. But yesterday I was craving it for the first time since then. My brains looking for an escape I thought about gambling to briefly as my fears of money crept in yesterday to. Luckily I just pushed through the night and didn’t give in to either craving. I have the thoughts but I don’t need to act on them. Where your sitting along with yourself its dangerous with those stupid thoughts but it’s up to me to fight through the addictive part of my brain. I’m learning healthy coping mechanisms. I turn on a meditation now, and I talk to people, or write these novels out. I get annoyed at how much I share on these posts because I struggle with letting people no me but I no this is nessicary for me get better so thats why I write so much stuff.
