Hey again I no exactly what you mean by the redundant feeling of reliving the trauma. Unfortunately I’ve gotten worse because it’s never been treated properly. The entering unhealthy relationships is because of your traumas probably. It was for me anyways. We unconsciously gravitate to what we no. I remeber seeing somewhere once that said in that “victim mode” I’ll express it as, is easier because its what becomes comfortable. We only no disfunction as traumatized people. The only way to end that cycle is to undo that stuff. I always prided myself on knowing I can do everything myself which is technically me just controlling everything. Because of this I just end up retraumatizing myself over and over. Hence the wonderful addiction to gambling and horrible relationships I’ve had. As someone who has been through every form of abuse or negative bs that can probably happen in your life I understand that reliving it is far from being a wonderful experience. Right now I’m doing a form of EMDR treatment. My therapist specializes in taoism based EMDR treatment so it mixed the rapid eye movement with Chinese medicine and philosophy.I had the worst session yet yesterday and it was the worst memory to want to relive. As a women yourself to you probably no what I’m talking about on which senerio you don’t want to relive the most. I haven’t met one female addict who hasn’t gone through it anyways without having to spell it out. Does it suck? oh hell yes, is it beyond painful to see again, yup, but I’m dealing with it and by bringing it forward consciously I have the ability to get it to f*ck off from destroying me with more and more with addictive behaviors. I thought my problem was grief because ive had immense loss turned out it was the abuse my body and mind held onto the most. I wouldn’t of fully known that if I didn’t start the process. I no its hard to take that first step and I wish you all the strength you can possibly retain to get through this. If I can do this so can you. Feel free to talk to me anytime if you need to I have my own “novel” posts on here under new here.
