Dear diary
I am going to borrow some things said by the other fellow recovering person in GT to encourage myself. They have spoken the words right out of my heart.
All you can do is “do the best with the hand you’re dealt.” What you can do is “make the most of what you still have.” What you still have to offer to this world. I’m certain you can “make a positive impact on not only yourself but those around you.” ~theone12221
There is a glimmer more hope… A little more peace. Something is changing the slightest bit… I notice it…I do have the opportunity now …”To repair.””To rebuild.” To be the person i want to be. I don’t know who that is ….I will find out. “Small progress but progress.” ~Courage
Where was I
Everything was not ok and I was not ok.
What happen
I keep trying
Where am I
Everything was not ok, but I am ok.
I tried but could not attain perfection or stay total abstinence for almost 11 years . That didn’t stop me, I keep trying. My progress was slow but there is progress.
Just for today only, by doing this one day at a time, I have chalk up many clean days, add them all up, it must have been years but I did fail on some day in between. I have learn and aware now that I am not a perfect pot, I was a broken pot and a grateful one.
I used to feel that I was a big failure when I slip or relapse and what has happen was not a part of growth in recovery, everyone was perfect and I am not, I would beat myself up very badly in disappointment, guilt, shame, regrets and self pity. When I lose hope and gave up completely, I actually continue borrowing more money and gamble for days, weeks and months in a straight until I could do no more.
Today when I slip or relapse, I just simply stop and not continue the self destructive act. No borrowing for more gambling. Regardless of how lousy I feel, I had to dig deep to find the last bit of remaining energy to stay positive and hopeful and continue this journey of recovery.
Of cause when I backslides, I loses not only money but also precious time, I would have to work doubly hard over a period of time to recover back to a state in recovery where I was last in. I only make it harder for myself, but I have make a mistake, and I have to accept the consequences.
Freedom from the bondage to addiction, breaking the chain of addiction and slavery to money for an addict like me is not free. It comes with a price and sacrifice unless that person is not an addict. I have to earn it.
I heard this in meetings, recovery is like climbing up a moving escalator, when I stop climbing, it will bring me down. I need to continue climbing….
The progress and change I saw in my life gave me hope and strengthen my faith and believe in this journey of recovery.
blessings
Kin