Dont worry, I haven’t gambled!!!
However I am ashamed to say the thoughts have been there! Just when I thought all was going well, now I am not so sure.
Let me paint a picture……I have not gambled for about 20 months (give or take a day or 2). I have begun to rebuild my life, I am paying my bills, hold down a good job, have a small amount of savings, rebuilt relationships with my family, have a girlfriend whom I think I love and stronger then ever!
Or so I thought… I have not had any desire to gamble for soooooo long but all of a sudden the thought entered my head and it has really annoyed me, up set me, angered me but most of all mad me really sad.
I know that once a CG always a CG but I really hoped that I could train myself so that the urges would disappear forever. I dont want ot have to fight this for the rest of life. I dont want to have to be on guard forever………but clearly I have to be and that thought really scares me.
When all has been going so well, why did my brain all of a sudden think of gambling? For the first time in a few years I have some disposable income and my first thought was to gamble with it! When the f*ck am I ever going to learn????!!!!!!
Ultimately, the fact is I haven’t gambled, I have put serious measures in place to prevent me from doing so tomorrow and i have to believe that I wont.
I just dont want to spend the rest of my life fighting it.
Strength comes from within
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