hi ty all again. i feel ****ty today, can’t seem to feel good at all. i have an incredible ability to make no sense what so ever. anyway, there are a heap of different slot games on facebook i have used as a substitute. it takes some mental effort to play slots, so now that i am resting in bed and very tired i don’t bother playing. i am upset how the world seems perfect. everytime i quit gambling i get sad and depressed and want it all to end. i consider myself emotionally crippled from what abuse i have gone through in life, sick of blaming myself for everything. i am suspicious, sceptical, i know too much that is the sad thing about it, i know what i have been through, it’s a matter of tolerance not of fixing what is broken. see the honest man’s honesty is slowly running out. i searched my whole life looking for books about emotions, there are a few, if any, and they are short. emotion rules me just as much as the physical. knowing we are the victim of life, because we are a soul, we have this vehicle, we are aware that nothing makes sense in the bigger picture. i am so sick of not understanding, i understand nothing right now, i don’t want to turn to a psychologist or a pyschiatrist to pass judgement on me i have been there done that, there is so much bull**** in the world, nothing is what it seems, i want to be bleeding until i am all bled out, everything in the establishment brings me down. what i want is impossible and not possible. i am different, i am only half human, my other half brings me down, in a world where i never get what i want, no respect, people are dictators of my life. happiness has no true value to me, you can’t hold onto it and say "i am happy" that is false, you literally are never happy by nature of happiness, it is not you. i need help
