Went shopping today and got a few more things for the apartment. I get the keys Thursday night, cannot wait. Sarahs christening is this coming Sunday and I am going to **** a bit for it. So I am expecting to have a busy weekend since I want to start painting as well. It has been almost 5 months since I left hoarding house and the landlord and I cannot believe how far I have come. I think back sometimes and I cannot fathom how I stayed in that house and that relationship for as long as I did. I see clearly now just how selfish and sick he really was. My therapist tells me that I stayed because it was better the devil that I knew than the one I did not. I was afraid to leave because I did not know where I would go, did not have much money and it would certainly have interefered with my gambling. How sad that the addiction controlled me to that extent that I was willing to stay in a loveless relationship with someone who was being emotionally abusive. I do realize that my gambling certainly must have affected him, but I also believe that he did not care and preferred me to go to the casino instead of being home (in fact he stated a while back in an email to his sister that he was glad when I was out gambling because he hated it when I was at home). His main purpose for me was to enable him to be semi-retired, the money I paid him allowed him to work part time and my benefit plan and use of my car were other perks. I was so ******* up in my addiction that I could not see the forest for the trees and he continued to take advantage. How sad, but no longer my problem. I really believe that nothing happens to us without a reason. I have been gamble free for close to 5 months now and never want to return to being that person who did not like herself much and was willing to settle for less than she was actually worth. My apartment is going to be painted with bright, vibrant colours and I will hang pictures of my children and Sarah on my walls. There will be a Christmas tree and decorations this year (there was no room for them the past 4 years). I feel free, like I am flying and soaring and no one and nothing is ever going to bring me down again, I will not allow it. Debbie
